Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Tom Brady’s new youthful look, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tom Brady’s new youthful look.

Fans think Tom Brady looks ‘unrecognizably youthful’ after seeing new NFL video clip

Tom Brady’s youth secret appears to be Brotox.

Elon Musk says X will charge users ‘a small monthly payment’ to use its service

So, he’s a ‘Fee Speech Absolutist.’

Russell Brand allegations spark reckoning about Brit’s toxic ‘noughties’

Let face it, Russell Brand should change his name to Louis UK.

Air Force releases most detailed images yet of secretive Raider nuclear stealth bomber

Or, did they just say, ‘look over there. You missed it…”

New Jersey celebrates first-ever ‘Bruce Springsteen Day’ to mark his 74th birthday

So, in NJ, happy first day of Springsteen.

Huge swastika spotted at bottom of Brazilian swimming pool

I guess they’re filming ‘The Pool Boys From Brazil.’

Hasan Minhaj still ‘one of three’ finalists to Host ‘Daily Show’ after bombshell New Yorker story

George Santos claims to be the other two.

Outraged conservatives think Lauren Boebert, Kristi Noem crossed the line – Newsweek

While others think Don Jr snorted it.

Moose headbutts, stomps on woman who was walking dog in Colorado

… No word if he was put up to it by Squirrel.

Kanye West and wife Bianca Censori banned from water taxi in Venice after NSFW display

Word is, he may have caught gondolaorrea.

‘Intense’ moments as grizzly bears stalk hikers in Banff

Maybe they were just trying to answer that age-old question: does a human s*** in the woods?

Nearly 50,000 mattresses sold at Costco recalled

So, that’s like 10 people have to return theirs …

ABC considers delaying ‘Dancing With the Stars’

Hopefully, the cast members will be able to get back their shifts at Macaroni Grill.

Trump blames ‘Liberal Jews’

… I’m shocked, shocked he’d screw with people in control of space lasers …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)