Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Drew Carey feeding striking writers, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Drew Carey on “The Price is Right.”

‘Price Is Right’ host Drew Carey spent over 500-grand on meals for striking writers

It might be more, but no one wants to guess over …

Democratic House candidate allegedly found posting sex acts with husband online

I’m shocked, shocked a candidate got caught having sex with their actual spouse.

Python invasion has exploded out of the Everglades and into nearly all of southern Florida, new map shows

… Quick, this is a job for the Ministry of Silly Walks.

State of emergency declared in New Jersey thanks to heavy rains, flooding

The last time anything in New Jersey was this underwater, it was a Trump Casino!

Mark Zuckerberg’s McDonald’s order is so large we can’t tell if he’s serious

… We’ll know for sure if he launches StuffYourFatFaceBook…

‘Dancing with the Stars’ new season cast is revealed

My Facebook Friends suggestions and the new cast of Dancing With the Stars have one thing in common. I’ve never heard of most of them.

Most Democratic senators are calling for Sen. Bob Menendez to resign in the wake of his bribery indictment

Menendez is so screwed, that when they pass in the hall, Jim Jordan looks the other way.

How accurate is ‘Sound Of Freedom?’ Experts examine the movie’s child trafficking accuracy

I’m not saying some of ‘Sound of Freedom’ is made up, but the film could’ve given a screenplay credit to Hasan Minhaj.

Happy 73rd birthday Bill Murray

Congratulations!! Tomorrow, you get to celebrate the day all over again.

Elon Musk and Andrew Tate offer support to Russell Brand amid ‘serious criminal allegations’

All that’s missing is a character reference from Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.

Bill Maher says Real Time will be back Friday

… No word if first guest is Drew Barrymore.

Rep. Jamal Bowman accused of setting off a fire alarm to stop a vote

Would’ve gotten away with it if he hadn’t come back and lit a newspaper filled with dog poop on fire in front of Speaker McCarthy’s office.

RIP Brooks Robinson

After all those years at third base you finally get to go home. God speed.

RFK Jr. to run as an Independent

… Mostly independent of support from his family …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)