Greg Abbott Interview with Jerry Duncan

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Texas Governor Greg Abbott.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Trumpster and Governor of Texas Greg Abbott.

Greg Abbott by DonkeyHotey — Greg Abbott. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning, Governor.

GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT

I’m the meanest, toughest hombre that’s ever crossed the Rio Grande. Don’t insult my president, Duncan. Only I can call him a narcissistic asshole.

JERRY

You are a Trump supporter. Even campaigned for him.

GREG

And I’ll do it again. In fact, I’m going door to door to reach school dropouts. We Trumpsters promise to give them Walmart greeter jobs.

JERRY

I respect your right to be stupid. But I can’t believe you outlawed COVID-19 masks and vaccine mandates during the pandemic. Which brings me to the question.

JERRY

What does a dropout and an unvaccinated child have in common?

GREG

How would I know?

JERRY

They never get past the fourth grade.

GREG

I wish I was in your studio, because I have a chain saw in my hand.

JERRY

A chain saw?

(Sound of a chain saw) Brum-brum-brum-brum-brrrrrrrrrr.

GREG

Yep, named it Mr. Nasty. Ever since a tree fell on me and I was paralyzed, I take revenge on trees. Look out Yosemite National Park. Headed your way next month.

JERRY

I bet chain saws are expensive.

GREG

Nah. They’re affordable.

JERRY

Well, at least it didn’t cost you an arm and a leg. Hey, this is nuts. You grew up in a Texas town called Duncanville. It was founded by my great, great grandfather Boots Duncan.

GREG

(laughs) Ole Boots was a womanizer. The locals drove him out of town after he was caught with the mayor’s wife in a barn.

JERRY

Leave it to a Duncan. No wonder people say I’m nuts.

JERRY

Speaking of nuts. Here’s some things about your angry self.

GREG

That’s not fair. I’m happy when I saw down trees.

JERRY

You’re against abortion. Signed a 6-week ban called the Texas Heartbeat Act.

GREG

Liberals in Texas will never de-fetus.

JERRY

Since 2022, you’ve sent busloads of migrants to Washington, D.C. and other cities. Even dumped them at the residence of Vice President Kamala Harris.

GREG

If I lived here, I’d want to move out, too. (catches himself) Oops.

JERRY

Don’t believe in conservation.

GREG

Drill baby drill. I like blowing up things.

JERRY

Won’t agree to restrictions on guns.

GREG

Are you kidding? My gun saved my life today. It misfired.

JERRY

Here’s a good one. In 2021, left 4 million households in Texas without power during an ice storm.

GREG

Frankly, I found it amusing. Texans are always complaining of excessive heat. It was so cold, bankers were running around town with their hands in their own pockets.

JERRY

Is there anything you want to say to the listeners?

GREG

Even in my wheelchair, I can kick as good as any Dallas Cowboys kicker.

JERRY

Governor Greg Abbott everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.