Jerry Duncan Show in New York City - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his late mother Maggie Duncan in New York City.

ANNOUNCER

Live from New York City, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is my late mother Maggie Duncan. We are on the last week of our tour across the United States.

Panorama of Long Island City, Queens, New York City. Image (cropped) by King of Hearts, Wikimedia Commons, CC-BY-SA-3.0.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

I love you, Jerry. Tell me that you love me back.

JERRY

Go slurp an egg cream.

MAGGIE

You’ll feel bad when I’m dead.

JERRY

You are dead, stupid.

MAGGIE

It’s so good to be back in New York. We lived in Queens until you were 8 years old.

JERRY

I remember my pet cockroaches Adolph and Benito. They were evil.

MAGGIE

Yeah. They came with the apartment. Can I say something about you?

JERRY

No.

MAGGIE

It’s not bad. Really.

JERRY

Go ahead.

MAGGIE

Jerry was a tough kid growing up in Queens, folks. Nobody picked on him. Well, almost nobody.

JERRY

Then why is there a photo of me with two black eyes when I was in 3rd grade?

MAGGIE

It was fake. I did that with a Sharpie. I wanted to sue the school district so we could get money.

JERRY

And?

MAGGIE

I was convicted of fraud and sent to prison.

JERRY

No wonder I’m nuts.

MAGGIE

Yeah. Rikers Island. Right here in the East River. It was bad.

MAGGIE

So bad that a woman in the cell next to me was on death row. But she lucked out. Apparently, the last meal she requested was strawberries. The warden said, “Strawberries were out of season.” She replied, “I’ll wait.”

JERRY

Wasn’t Uncle Scott in prison?

MAGGIE

Only for a few days. There was mistaken identity. He got off Scott free.

JERRY

We’re going to see the Statue of Liberty while we’re here. She’s designed after the Roman Goddess of Liberty by a sculpturer living in Paris during the 1890’s.

MAGGIE

Jerry. You should be so lucky to marry someone beautiful like that.

JERRY

C’mon. Her nose is 4 feet. She can go bowling with her boogers.

MAGGIE

We’ll I admire the fact Lady Liberty never sits down. That’s why she has a nice figure.

JERRY

I also want to go to the top of the Empire State Building. It’s 102 stories.

MAGGIE

Big deal.

JERRY

Yes, it is. King Kong climbed the Empire State Building.

MAGGIE

What for?

JERRY

He had a plane to catch.

JERRY

Hey. We need to take the subway to the Yankees game soon.

MAGGIE

I’m nervous, Jerry. I had a problem on the subway yesterday.

JERRY

What happened?

MAGGIE

I was sitting in my seat when I saw this guy yawning.

JERRY

So what? I yawn listening to you.

MAGGIE

Turns out he was a mime sitting on a tack.

JERRY

My friend Jordan was kidnapped by a mime. He did unspeakable things.

MAGGIE

Before I forget, thank you for buying tickets to Wicked.

JERRY

Why not? It’s a good day when I don’t have to unleash the flying monkees on you. My mother Maggie Duncan. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.