Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the ruby slippers from the “Wizard of Oz,” doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Man admits stealing ‘Wizard of Oz’ ruby slippers from museum in 2005, but details remain a mystery

… no word if he clicked his heels three times and was apprehended in Kansas.

One million Gazans displaced as Israel readies for ground attack

Well, if you’re going to use those Jewish Space Lasers, this would be the time.

Harvard professor wins economics Nobel for work on gender pay gap

Instead of usual million-dollar prize, she’ll only receive $770,000.

Kevin McCarthy removed as US House Speaker, making him the shortest-serving since 1876

Biden: Never thought I see that happen again.

Dodgers get swept out of playoffs by Diamondbacks

Well, looks like the Dodgers are going to the World Series … if they buy their tickets early.

Snoop Dogg calls out Trump

It’s’ Straight Out of Compton’ against ‘Straight into Leavenworth.’

Israel-Hamas conflict was a test for Musk’s X, and it failed

Let’s face it, porn sites oughta sue Musk for defaming the letter X.

Meet Gay Bob, the out and proud anatomically correct 1973 disco-era doll

Also, complete your set with the 1990’s era ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell GI Joe’ doll.

Disney cast member found a real bear inside Magic Kingdom

Would still be there if he just could’ve remembered all the words to ‘California Bears’ at the Country Bear Jamboree.

Hannity says his dad used beat him with a belt

… And, not one person has said he didn’t have it coming.

Cologne Catholic diocese clergy and staff used work computers for porn

In fairness, they get to know each other in a biblical way.

A Kim K source speaks out on report that she wants to ‘warn’ Bianca Censori about Kanye

… And remind her of her no returns policy.

90 years ago: Air France is founded

Or, as it was also known No Virgins Airlines.

Scalise drops out of race for Speaker of the House, leaving Congress in limbo

… If you see smoke coming out of the House of Representatives it doesn’t mean we have a new Speaker, it’s just Boebert vaping …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)