Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Phillies, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Phillies deny emotional support alligator from entering ballpark

On a related note, the Phillies Fanatic hasn’t been seen since … wouldn’t be surprised if he tasted like San Diego Chicken.

Jim Jordan forced out of House speaker race after losing secret ballot

Personally, I wouldn’t let Jim Jordan lead a party of five to their table at a restaurant.

“I’m not Nostradamus”: Keith Richards on the future of The Rolling Stones

Adding: “Although I did babysit him.”

Team Biden joined Truth Social

… Probably because they want to have a place to be alone.

Woman says date dashed after she ate 48 oysters and more, sparking debate

Could’ve been worse; she could’ve had crabs.

70 percent of New Jersey residents want Menendez to resign: poll

The other 30% would just like for him to return their gifts!

Happy 52nd Birthday, Snoop Dogg

Looks pretty good for a guy’s who’s 364 in Snoop Dogg years.

Judge Engoron fines Trump $5K for violating his gag order

… Wonder what Mexico’s gonna do with their bill.

Meryl Streep and her husband, Don Gummer, have been quietly separated for the past six years

And living with Will and Jada, respectively.

Fani Willis gets Sidney Powell and Kenneth Chesebro to flip in Georgia RICO case

Fani Willis looks like the new Pinball Wizard; she knows how to work those flippers!

Heidi Klum’s sensational nearly nude photo proves this year’s Cannes appearance is her boldest yet

Or, is that appearance of her cans? Potato/potato.

Squirmy critter seen at wildlife refuge leaves Texans disturbed

I’m shocked, shocked … Ted Cruz was actually spotted in Texas.

Paul Mooney once ‘walked in’ on Barbara Walters hooking up with comedian Richard Pryor, says Sherri Shepherd

Would’ve made a great SNL Sketch with Baba WooWoo.

A Danish artist who submitted empty frames as artwork is appealing court ruling to repay the cash

They should’ve paid with a piece of unlined, white paper …

Matt Gaetz repeatedly cursed out by fellow Republicans in heated conference meeting

… Damn, there’s a lot of white on white violence in the Republican caucus; maybe it should be shut down until we see what is going on …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)