The Fuglies Interview: Jerry Duncan - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews The Fuglies: Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today in studio my guests are Republican Congressman Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz, and Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. All MAGA stooges and members of the Freedom Caucus.

The Fuglies, Matt Gaetz by Gage Skidmore — Proud member of The Fuglies, Matt Gaetz. Photo: Gage Skidmore, flickr.com.

JIM JORDAN

We changed the name Freedom Caucus. We’re now called The Fuglies. Proud to be effing ugly.

JERRY

The zoo just called. There’s a amber alert out for you, Chimp Jordan.

JORDAN

Marjorie. Give me a kiss before I’m captured.

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE

Get away from me. I could get Monkeypox.

JORDAN

I don’t have Monkeypox.

GREENE

But you’re a monkey.

JERRY

Monkeypox is a sexually transmitted disease. Not a chance Jordan has it. Nobody wants sex with him.

MATT GAETZ

Hey guys, don’t look at me just because I went to 10 high school proms last year. I’m a hero! I got Kevin McCarthy to vacate his seat as Speaker of the House.

GREENE

Right on. In honor of our victory, I brought a bottle of wine.

JERRY

I don’t drink wine. Real men drink beer. By the way, you dysfunctional Republicans practically shut down our government.

JORDAN

(They clink glasses. Sound of a chimp) Oo ee oo ah ah. Oo ee oo ah ah.

GAETZ

He’s going nuts, Duncan.

GREENE

Call a veterinarian!

JORDAN

I’ll be okay. Still a little sore after Congressman Hakeem Jeffries shoved a banana up my rear when I was showering in the health club.

JERRY

Now that you’ve destroyed the House of Representatives, what’s next?

JORDAN

I insist on funding to impeach Joe Biden.

JERRY

That’s impossible. You said he’s not the president.

GREENE

We want to impeach him anyway.

JERRY

You need evidence that Biden committed acts of treason, bribery, or high crimes and misdemeanors according to the U.S. constitution.

GAETZ

I don’t understand.

GREENE

Can I ask a question?

JERRY

Sure.

GREENE

What’s a constitution?

JORDAN

Something Democrats made up during the Vietnam War.

JERRY

What are you going to do about divided government?

JORDAN

We like when things are chaotic. We’re The Fuglies. We take our orders from Russia.

GREENE

No more money for Ukraine. No Chicken Kyiv.

GAETZ

There needs to be an exception. I rented some heavy lifting equipment from a company in Kyiv called You Crane.

JERRY

The truth is you three Fuglies don’t like living in a democracy. You want an autocracy.

GREENE

Yep. How can I become a dictator?

JERRY

Fail art school like Hitler.

JERRY

My guests Jim Jordan, Matt Gaetz, and Marjorie Taylor Greene. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.