Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about pilots on magic mushrooms, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The pilot on Alaskan Airways flight that shut down the engines was on magic mushrooms

I’m shocked, shocked he could get anything to eat on a flight.

‘Cursed’ Ted Cruz shows up at Astros game and you can guess what happened

Well, Ted Cruz is used to being cursed …

Mob loots California 7-Eleven

Would’ve gotten away with it, but they came back for a free refill.

President Biden calls for assault weapon ban and other measures to curb gun violence

Hey, we should at least change its name from an AR-15 to an AR-19, so Matt Gaetz won’t be interested it in.

Pennsylvania trio bought a $100K abandoned school and turned it into a packed 31-unit apartment complex

Instead of eviction, they’re sent to detention …

Britney Spears reveals she lived in Orlando with Justin Timberlake in the early 2000s

George Santos: Me, too.

Taylor Swift to be joined by Travis Kelce during the international leg of her ‘Eras’ tour

Wondering, if Taylor Swift did a tour of only songs about old boyfriends, would it be called the ‘Errors’ tour?

RIP Richard Roundtree

They say this cat Shaft is a bad mother. Shut your mouth. God speed.

‘Sponge bombs’ are Israel’s new secret weapon to block Hamas tunnels

That would certainly be ‘sponge’ worthy …

Iceland’s prime minister joins thousands of women on strike

Now, that’s cold …

Larry Elder drops out of the race for President

… Surprising people that he was in the race for President.

Only 2 of the 8 House Speaker candidates voted to certify Biden’s win

The others were just certifiable.

Bulldog ‘thinks she’s a cow’ and the video evidence is priceless

Owners decide not to tell her because they need the milk.

Trump claims he doesn’t know who gave Fauci presidential award. It was him

… Trump: I never met me. Maybe I got myself coffee once. And, besides, I never liked me anyway …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)