Americans Agree They Hate Each Other - Dave Henry, Humor Times

A new survey has found that Americans are overwhelmingly united on how much they hate each other.

“People say America is a divided country, but our data shows that’s not true,” said Tom Andjerry, pollster with Suffolk University in Boston. “They are in almost complete agreement in how much they hate each other.”

Specifically, the poll shows that 98 percent of Americans agree that they hate people that think differently about politics than they do, while 96 percent hate people that think differently about religion.

Further, 95 percent hate people that think differently about society and culture, while 97 percent hate people who look differently than they do.

The fastest growing segment of people who are united in their hate are fans of TV shows and movies.

Some 95% agree that they can’t stand people who don’t like the same shows as them, with 93% saying they wouldn’t be seen with them and 90% agreeing they wouldn’t be caught dead with them. That comes out to like 300%, but it just shows you how much people are in agreement on this subject.

The unity is even higher on social media where 100% of people agree that they want to gouge their eyes out with a fork rather than read political opinions from idiots in the opposing party.

“It’s really a Kumbaya moment in America. Everyone can agree on how much they hate each other. In these divisive times, it’s heartening to see that there are still things that we all have in common, and that we can rally around as a people,” said Andjerry.

“It’s just a great big melting pot of people who can’t stand one another.”

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Dave Henry

Dave’s work has appeared in various publications including End of the Bench, Robot Butt, and The Spoof, as well as many unfunny outlets. He also sometimes refers to himself in the third person.