Smokey the Bear: Talk Radio Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Smokey the Bear.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest in studio is Smokey the Bear.

SMOKEY THE BEAR

Did you remember to bring the lox? I love salmon.

JERRY

Even have bagels, Smokey.

SMOKEY

Good. And I brought a beehive so I can spread honey on them.

JERRY

OMG! Those fuzz balls are flying all over the place. Get that thing out of here!

SMOKEY

Meany. I brought the hive, because you said you like The Bee Gees.

A door is heard closing.

SMOKEY

The hive is gone. Don’t worry, bee happy.

JERRY

Tell me how you became Smokey the Bear.

SMOKEY

My real name is Kish’m Tuchas. I was born in the Capitan Mountains of New Mexico.

JERRY

Ah, New Mexico. Do you know what grows in Albuquerque?

SMOKEY

My appetite?

JERRY

The crime rate. Please continue, Smokester.

SMOKEY

I was orphaned as a cub because of a forest fire. My paws were burned to a crisp before a ranger came to the rescue and brought me to a veterinarian.

There is a pause.

JERRY

And? Finish the story.

SMOKEY

Not until you make me a peanut butter sandwich.

JERRY

Not now, dude.

SMOKEY

Okay then. When I healed, I lived in the National Zoo in Washington, DC where I became a national celebrity.

JERRY

Nice digs.

SMOKEY

Not really. I wanted to live out my life in the forest. Human beings are cruel, Duncan. They destroy our habitat with fires. They shoot us. They even kill each other. And we’re the ones called animals?

JERRY

Not so fast. When Goldilocks disappeared the three bears were suspects.

SMOKEY

Any more smart remarks, I’m going to strangle you with my bear hands.

JERRY

Hold on, big fella. Goldilocks is on the line.

GOLDILOCKS

Is this Jerry? Is this Jerry?

JERRY

You don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time. Where have you been all these years? We thought you were dead.

GOLDILOCKS

No. I’m alive. Hey, I can’t make this long. Burnt my ear ironing.

JERRY

Still a dumb blonde.

GOLDILOCKS

Why? Just because I take a ruler to bed at night to measure my sleep?

JERRY

(sarcastic) That’s normal.

JERRY

Listen up. Smokey wants to say something.

SMOKEY

Goldilocks. What do you know about bears other than the three bears?

GOLDILOCKS

Plenty. I’m a very smart ignoramus. There are black bears, brown bears, polar bears, gummy bears. That’s a bear with no teeth. Bare knuckles, bare naked.

JERRY

I can’t bare listening to you anymore. My guests Smokey the Bear and Goldilocks.

SMOKEY

Folks. Only you can prevent forest fires, because I’ve been furloughed.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.