Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about John Stamos, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

John Stamos: alcoholism got so bad that ‘I don’t remember’ filming ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2’ after DUI arrest

Wish I could say same about viewing it.

Mark Meadows book publisher sued him today for lying in his book

On the positive side, it’s up for a Pulitzer … in fiction.

Texas Rangers win its first World Series amid record low ratings

Raising the question: if you win a World Series and no one sees it, did you really win a World Series?

JFK allegedly never consummated his relationship with Zsa Zsa Gabor, despite months of dating

For those going ‘who?’ Gabor is Hungarian for Kardashian.

Judge dismisses Brett Favre’s defamation lawsuit against Shannon Sharpe

Word is, it was picked off by the bailiff and run back for touchdown.

If you’re a baby boomer or Gen X, here are 5 signs you can’t afford to retire early

Number one: If you clicked on this story, you’re probably screwed.

Americans spend more than $500 Million on costumes for their pets every year

Where the hell is PETA when you really need them!?

Rep. George Santos survives effort to expel him from the House

Hell, he wasn’t even given detention.

Legendary Indiana U basketball coach Bobby Knight dies at 83

… and immediately got his ass ‘Teed’ up by St Peter.

Larsa Pippen responds to Cardi B’s criticism of her sex life

I’m guessing she reached out on WAPS App.

Several fringe media reporting that Putin suffered cardiac arrest on Sunday evening

I’d be shocked, shocked he has a heart.

Man, 77, meant to sell ill-gotten erectile drugs in sprawling Florida retirement community, feds say

It’d only be fair he got some hard time.

FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried’s biggest fear in jail revealed by author

What? That there isn’t a prison gang affiliated with the Crypts?

Judge tells Ivanka she can probably afford a babysitter

… If not, I’m sure Mexico can always pay for it …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)