Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about ‘The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City,’ doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ begins season four

… Hmmm, are they all married to the same guy?

Clocks ‘fall back’ to Daylight Savings Time

Mike Johnson turned his clock back to 1840; Hamas: ‘Hold my sundial.’

Orcas strike back (again), sinking another yacht in Europe after 45-minute attack

Turn down the ‘Yacht Rock,’ dummies …

A Video Of Kamala Harris dancing at a Hip-Hop concert is going viral

… while Trump is showing off his rap sheet.

Veterans celebrate Veteran’s Day across the U.S.

I’m thinking veterans should get free Internet. First, it’s the least we could do. Second, how cool would it be to call it Semper WiFi.

Vivek Ramaswamy: Nikki Haley is Dick Cheney in 3-inch heels

DeSantis: Nikki, where’d you get those heels?

According to Elon Musk’s own math, the company formerly known as Twitter has lost 90% of its value

In fact, X has diminished so much in value, it’s now known as x.

Happy 77th birthday. Sally Field

In case your hearing’s not as sharp, ‘WE LIKE YOU; WE REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!’

Ivanka Trump took the stand

… Look for Sarah Huckabee to buy it.

Missouri high school teacher is put on leave after school officials discover her page on porn site

They were probably afraid she’d teach the kids how to multiply.

SAG-AFTRA announce ‘historic’ deal to end strike

So, ‘The Nanny’ made the AMPTP look like ninnies.

Trump says he’d pick Tucker Carlson as Veep

Trump’s gone from ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ to ‘Dancing with Czars!’

Exxon just announced its highest profits in their 152-year history, raking in $19,660,000,000

And, that’s not including Slim Jims and Big Gulps at their convenience stores …

Virginia Democrat Susanna Gibson loses state House race after sex video scandal

… People were shocked seeing a politician with their actual spouse …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)