Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about WeWork filing for bankruptcy doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

WeWork files for bankruptcy

WeWork will now be known as WeBroke.

House Speaker Mike Johnson admits he and his son monitor each other’s porn intake in resurfaced video

Well, they are the Johnsons.

A stunning discovery proves that Vikings reached the Americas before Columbus

… As opposed to their usual beating of the Lions.

Biden calls Xi a dictator after carefully planned summit

Xi: Uh, you’re welcome.

US halts exports of most civilian firearms for 90 days

Oh, goodie, just what we need: more for us!

Warner Bros. un-cancels “Coyote vs. Acme” after backlash, will shop movie to other studios

… look for Amazon to buy it, so Wiley can get that dynamite three days early on Prime!

Happy 81st birthday Martin Scorsese

And, a happy 32nd Anniversary to the couple living in his eyebrows.

Musk offers Wikipedia a billion dollars to change its name to Dickopedia

… So, he wants them to name it after him?

George Santos says he’ll NOT run for reelection

Which will give him more time to practice to defend his Wimbledon singles title.

USC football falls to UCLA 38-20

Well, there’s no D in USC for a reason.

Al Pacino, 83, to pay $30K monthly child support for son with 29-year-old Noor Alfallah

Pacino: Every time I don’t pull out, they pull me back in!

N.D. woman accused of poisoning boyfriend with antifreeze hours after he inherited $30 million

Ironically, that’s pretty damn cold.

Former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy elbows Republican who voted to remove him, Tim Burchett, in the kidney

… Frankly, it really doesn’t seem to make up for the knife Burchett stuck in Kevin’s back …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)