GOP Hopefuls Look to Get Indicted - Dave Henry, Humor Times

The remaining Republican presidential candidates are launching a new strategy — get indicted.

Faced with trying to close a huge gap between themselves and Donald Trump, the remaining Republican presidential candidates are launching a new strategy — get indicted.

Trump, who is facing four different indictments and 91 criminal counts, has built a seemingly insurmountable lead over his law-abiding opponents. But now his chief rivals have come to the realization that they must get arrested to close the gap.

“Look, Republicans have spoken, they want a felon in the White House, so I plan to give the people what they want,” said Nikki Haley, who is a distant second behind Trump in most polls.

Haley said she is working with her campaign manager on a plan to get indicted sometime over the next few weeks, right before the New Hampshire primary.

“I’m not going to do anything drastic or hurt anyone,” said Haley. “I’m thinking more along the lines of white collar crime, like embezzling campaign funds or some type of election fraud.”

Ron DeSantis, who is running third in most polls, is considering a similar indictment strategy.

“Getting arrested just gives you immediate cred among Republican voters,” said DeSantis. “Is it a risk? Yes, I could go to jail. But even if I’m indicted, I could pardon myself if I win.”

But what if he doesn’t win?

“We don’t think like that. And at this point, getting arrested is the only chance I have,” said DeSantis.

Trump’s personal media friend Sean Hannity said it’s a great idea in theory, but it won’t be enough to help them overtake Trump.

“Rank and file Republicans aren’t going to buy it,” said Hannity. “They’ll see it as desperate. Unless Haley and DeSantis get indicted five times and face more than 100 counts each, they’ll just be seen as Trump light.”

There is also a movement brewing among Never Trump Republicans to recruit an actual criminal to get in the race and challenge Trump.

“We are currently looking at all options and have a few mob bosses as well as Sam Bankman-Fried lined up as potential challengers,” said a Never Trump official. “We really like our chances if we get just the right felon to challenge Trump.”

It all comes down to meeting Republicans where they are.

“Republicans are clearly looking for a morally bankrupt criminal and that’s what we plan to deliver them,” he said.

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Dave Henry

Dave’s work has appeared in various publications including End of the Bench, Robot Butt, and The Spoof, as well as many unfunny outlets. He also sometimes refers to himself in the third person.