Wolf Blitzer: Jerry Duncan Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews CNN host Wolf Blitzer.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is leading American television journalist and CNN host of The Situation Room Wolf Blintzes.

WOLF BLITZER

It’s pronounced Blitzer.

JERRY

Whatever, Blintzes, Blitzer. Let’s get this interview started.

WOLF

(wolf howling sound) a-oooooo, a-oooooo.

JERRY

Knock, knock.

WOLF

Who’s there?

JERRY

Howl.

WOLF

Howl who?

JERRY

Howl you know unless you open the door.

JERRY

You’re 75 years old. Born and raised in the woods on the outskirts of Buffalo, New York.

WOLF

Yes. I was the inspiration for the movie Teen Wolf. My facial hair, teeth. I was even more screwed up after my old man tried to blow down the house of the Three Little Pigs. He huffed and puffed. Then dropped dead.

JERRY

Wow. You could die of a heart attack.

WOLF

Oh, no. I’m in great health. I eat right and exercise on the treadmill every day for five miles. By the way, it wouldn’t hurt you to lose a few pounds, Duncan. It’ pretty bad when you have to use GPS to find your feet.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Sponge Bob Square Pants.

JERRY

So how did you get started in your career?

WOLF

I took various writing jobs in the 70’s. Did that for almost twenty years before joining CNN in 1990. Covered the Gulf War in Kuwait and was a White House correspondent.

JERRY

I always wondered. Why is there a helicopter outside of the White House?

WOLF

Because it won’t fit inside.

JERRY

Now you host The Situation Room.

WOLF

Yep. Been doing it since 2005.

JERRY

You’re smart. Can you help me answer some fan mail?

WOLF

Sure.

Jerry reads the letters.

JERRY

Dear Jerry,

I’m living with my younger sister in dad’s house. I’m a 22-year-old male and want to move out. I’ve been looking for a roommate online, but my sister insists we should live together. Everybody thinks this is a good idea. Here’s the problem. She has a hair-trigger temper that she unleashes on me. The other day she accused me of wearing her dress. Last week, she said I went to the moon without telling her. I’m at wits end. What should I do?

WOLF

Your sister is a mental case. Where’s your dad? Is he living under a rock? Your sister can not live with you under any circumstance. I suggest she find a job where she can focus on the positive. Like a Cheerios counter. Or perhaps stamping M&M on the candies when they come down the conveyor belt. She would then be a multitasker…wasting time and being unproductive.

JERRY

Dear Jerry,

I work with this guy “Carl” who is my age. Very friendly and down to earth. He’s had a girlfriend for four years. I feel guilty because “Carl” is having an affair with a woman here at work. She’s ten years older. He says he would never cross the line, but this woman tells stories about their rendezvous. Do you think I should find out the address of his girlfriend and tell her?

WOLF

Let it go. It’s none of your business. I remember my friend called me a cheater when I was single. I would have never done something like that to Cathy, Susan, Tiffany, or Darlene.

JERRY

Dear Jerry,

Our cat is going to have kittens. My wife and I disagree on whether our boy Tommy who is age four should witness the event. He is intelligent, but how can I explain to him where babies come from?

WOLF

I suggest you have a chat with Tommy. He could teach you about the birds and the bees.

JERRY

Dear Jerry,

I am a 33-year old single woman. Throughout my childhood, my mother was controlling in many ways. She dressed me in ridiculous outfits that I found humiliating. It affected my mental health, which resulted in me hating the way I look. I’ve been through multiple eating disorders and had plastic surgery five years ago. I can’t look at my mother without resentment. What should I do?

WOLF

Break off the relationship with your mother. I will put you in your car trunk and help people look for you. If that doesn’t work, place yourself up for adoption.

JERRY

Wolf Blitzer everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.