Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Taco Bell, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Nacho average bear: Florida mammal swipes $45 Taco Bell order from porch after Uber Eats delivery

That’s like 9,000 tacos and a churro worth …

Black Friday sales surge, despite economic uncertainties

Actually, I went to an after-Thanksgiving sale once. Never again … because it’s true, ‘once you go Black Friday you never go back.’

Joe Biden confused Britney Spears for Taylor Swift

… While Trump confused his ex-wife with the woman he sexually assaulted.

21 warning signs someone is Bipolar

For one, they think there are 42 signs.

NATO jets intercept Russian military plane over Baltic States

… As opposed to NY Jets, who only get intercepted.

Leonardo DiCaprio celebrated his 49th Birthday

… Big turnout, probably because it wasn’t on a school night.

Trump releases a letter from a doctor declaring that the former president’s “overall health is excellent” and “cognitive exams were “exceptional”

So, it was signed Dr. George Santos, MD.

Swimmer spots ‘once in a lifetime’ sight of sea lion battling octopus, video shows

Weirdest thing was guest ref Sponge Bob Referee Pants.

Former US first lady Rosalynn Carter dies at 96

… And, not just a First Lady, but always a lady first. God speed.

Founder of far-right Catholic site resigns over breach of its morality clause, group says

I believe they made the announcement on XXX.

Robert De Niro didn’t appreciate the claim that he would take phone calls while using the bathroom

No word if bad cell service in bathrooms forced him to ask callers: ‘Hello, hello. You talking to me?’

Republicans only care about the debt when a Democrat is president

Yup, otherwise they suffer from ‘Lack of Attention To The Deficit Disorder.’

Britney Spears’ memoir sold 1.1 million copies in its first week

With all the dating revelations In Britney Spears’ new book, instead of the ‘Woman in Me,’ it should be called ‘The Men in Me.’

Virginia Democrat Susanna Gibson loses state House race after sex video scandal

… People were shocked seeing a politician with their actual spouse …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)