Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Southwest Airlines, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Southwest Airlines passenger hospitalized after opening emergency exit and climbing onto wing, officials say

… Some people will do anything for extra leg room.

Moms for Liberty founder and her husband in 3-way and now battery is alleged

Oh, I’m guessing all kinds of batteries were involved.

Man who stripped naked on Disneyland ride was on drugs, police say

Ironically, he slipped himself a Mickey.

Century-overdue library book is finally returned in Minnesota

… No word if it was found with Joe Biden’s boxed papers.

Jared Leto becomes the first person to legally climb to the top of the Empire State Building

The last time he was that high, he agreed to do ‘Morbius.’

George Santos was expelled from Congress

… Saying that’s nothing compared to time he was suspended from baseball for using PEDs.

Darryl Hall broke up with John Oates

… look for a new group: John Oates and Pete Davidson!

Cyber Monday biggest on-line shopping event ever

And, now that Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday are done, let’s make way for ‘Burglary Tuesday.’

Henry Kissinger dies at 100

It probably was the vaccine.

Huge crack opens up in Iceland, steam pouring forth

… So, just another vacation for Chris Christie.

‘Oppenheimer’ bests ‘Barbie’ in weekend premiere VOD viewership

… That would explain the giant pink mushroom cloud where Barbie’s dream house used to be.

Aaron Rodgers talks Jets return this season

And says he’ll stomp his leg once if yes, twice if no.Will Smith’s team responds to accusations that the actor bottoms

Will Smith’s team responds to accusations that the actor bottoms

Damn, a ‘race to the bottom’ is now a description of people rushing to Will Smith’s house!

The Las Vegas Sphere is already losing a 100 million dollars

… Look for Elon to pay billions for it …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)