Speaker Mike Johnson: Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson from the great state of Louisiana.

Speaker Mike Johnson by DonkeyHotey — Speaker Mike Johnson caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Hi Gomer.

CONGRESSMAN MIKE JOHNSON

My name is Mike, Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

You and I have something in common. We both live under a rock.

MIKE

Golly! Shazam!

JERRY

You’re 51 years old. A member of the House since 2016.

MIKE

And a proud redneck.

JERRY

Mikey. What does it say on the back of every LSU diploma?

MIKE

Don’t know.

JERRY

Will Work For Food.

MIKE

I love a work ethic.

JERRY

I’m here to tell the American people the truth. You’re a Trump apologist.

MIKE

Save me, Jesus. If that doesn’t work, Moses.

JERRY

Not even they can save you. You’re pathetic.

MIKE

You hurt my feelings, Mr. Duncan. I feel worse than when my first cousin broke off our engagement.

JERRY

Oh, it gets worse. For starters, you were an unplanned pregnancy when your parents were teenagers.

MIKE

I know. My mom explained to me when I got older how Burger King knocked up Dairy Queen. He forgot to wrap his whopper.

MIKE

Heck. They got divorced anyway.

JERRY

You’re an active member of the Christian Right. Support bills to institute a nationwide ban on abortion. Against homosexuality. Tried to get prayer in public schools. Believe in the Great Replacement Theory by spreading hatred that minorities are going to be the majority in the United States.

MIKE

Let me stop you there. You realize Mexico won’t have an Olympic team, because everybody that can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S. Not fair to Mexico.

JERRY

You’re prejudice.

MIKE

If I’m too open-minded, my brains will fallout. Louisianans worry about that because we all have the same DNA.

JERRY

In 2020, you contested the results of the presidential election. Involved with allegations the voting machines were rigged. Claimed massive election fraud.

MIKE

Yep.

JERRY

Venezuelan software corrupted the machines with votes for Biden?

MIKE

Yes sir. Just ask a vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person who won the 2020 election. They’ll tell you.

JERRY

Here’s the worst of your convoluted logic. You’re against climate change science, because you say wind and solar energy cause depression and cognitive dysfunction.

MIKE

There can’t be climate change. Otherwise, dinosaurs wouldn’t have accompanied Noah on his Ark. It says so in the Book of Ridiculous. Read the Bible.

JERRY

Knock, knock.

MIKE

Who’s there?

JERRY

Forget.

MIKE

Forget who?

JERRY

Forget you! Speaker Mike Johnson everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Author
Recent Posts

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.