Santa Claus Interview: Jerry Duncan - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host lands a hard-to-get guest this time of year for the Santa Claus interview.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today I’ve landed the man of the hour for our Santa Claus interview. Good morning, Santa.

SANTA CLAUS

My mother told me not to talk to strangers.

JERRY

I’m not a stranger. I’m your friend. At least I thought I was.

SANTA

What do you mean?

JERRY

For the last five years, you’ve put a piece of coal in my Christmas stocking. What about a present this year?

SANTA

Ho ho ho.

JERRY

That would be nice, Santa. Will Stormy Daniels fit down my chimney?

SANTA

Be patient, Duncan. I can’t decide if you’ve been naughty or nice. Besides, I have lots of packages to deliver to kids. The elves are working overtime at $22 an hour to finish making toys. I’m actually losing money.

JERRY

Quit complaining. You save money parking your sleigh and nine reindeer. It’s on the house.

JERRY

Santa Claus has been around for centuries. I mean way, way back.

SANTA

Yep.

JERRY

You fellas all look alike. Chubby with a white beard, red coat and trousers. Red hat trimmed with white fur. Heavy black boots and a matching belt. It’s crazy that you can get down any chimney.

SANTA

I’ll do anything for cookies and milk waiting for me on Christmas Eve. My belly is so bloated at the end of the run, I need to be removed from my sleigh by a crane.

JERRY

No wonder Mrs. Claus told me she wants a divorce.

JERRY

What’s red and white, red and white, red and white?

SANTA

No clue.

JERRY

Santa rolling down a hill.

SANTA

That would be funny if it wasn’t true. All I know is on Christmas Day, I’m going to enjoy a smoke and glass of red wine.

JERRY

Is it Merlot?

SANTA

Hell, no. I stole a bottle from some drunk while he was sleeping in the park.

JERY

Speaking of drinking. I understand Rudolph the red-nose reindeer is your designated driver.

SANTA

Old news. The son of a bitch fell asleep on a trial run the other night. We ended up in a ditch.

JERRY

Hold on. My mother Maggie Duncan from heaven wants to join the conversation.

SANTA

The more the merrier.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Hi Jerry and Santa.

JERRY

What’s up?

MAGGIE

I want to ask Santa for a favor.

SANTA

Anything your heart desires. Ho ho ho.

MAGGIE

I’m learning how to dance and rap. Which one of your reindeer has the best moves?

SANTA

Dancer.

MAGGIE

Good. Here’s the skinny.

MAGGIE

(rapping) T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house. Hold it now! Wait, hold it. That’s played out. Every year just about this time, I celebrate Christmas with a rhyme. Gonna shake it, bake it, gonna make it good. Gonna rock, shock, click it through the hood.

SANTA

(feels the vibe) Yo. Keepin it real.

JERRY

And Santa shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. See you tomorrow everyone.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.