Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Mayim Bialik leaving ‘Jeopardy,’ doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mayim Bialik out as ‘Jeopardy!’ host

… Unless they didn’t phrase it as a question.

Giuliani ordered to pay $148 million to election workers he defamed

Look for him to be “Man of the Year” in “Lost a Fortune Magazine.”

Nick Cannon says he ‘probably’ spends $200K a year taking his 12 kids to Disneyland

So, one trip, not including parking.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed today at an all-time high

Or, as FOX News calls it: ‘Hunter Biden’s laptop.’

Tourist accused of sexually molesting statue of a beloved Florida manatee

Even worse, he didn’t even take the statue to dinner and a movie first.

Musk’s bringing back Alex Jones to X, formerly known as Twitter

Next up, Musk will try to get R Kelly a gig singing at next year’s Girl Scout Jamboree.

Kanye West’s wife Bianca Censori wears nothing but an itty-bitty knit bodysuit

Yeah, but Beyoncé would’ve worn it better.

Florida sex scandal shakes Moms for Liberty, as group’s influence wanes

Look for Moms for Liberty to get a show called ‘FOX and Friends with Benefits.’

Chargers destroyed by Raiders

The Chargers were on a bye week, as in bye to any playoff chance.

Lance Armstrong reveals how he passed drugs tests to win seven Tour de France titles

… However he did it … the ball on that guy!

The WHO urges warring parties to protect civilians, health workers

… While we have yet to hear from Pink Floyd.

‘Supersex’ series about porn star Rocco Siffredi Sets Netflix premiere date

So, cumming soon.

Project Veritas CEO jumps ship after finding ‘evidence of past illegality’

It will be known to those involved as ‘Project Arrest My Ass.’

Megyn Kelly calls for Taylor Swift boycott after she attends Gaza fundraiser comedy show

Megyn should just change her name to Karyn …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)