Holiday Party: The Jerry Duncan Show - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host throws his annual holiday party in Wasilla, Alaska.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today I’m hosting my holiday party from a Motel 6 in Wasilla, Alaska. Guests have flown in from Washington D.C. to join the celebration.

CONGRESSWOMAN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE

I almost didn’t make it, Duncan.

JERRY

Was your flight late?

GREENE

No. A laser beam from a Jewish spaceship tried to zap me on the way to the airport.

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

Excuse me. What you just said is anti-Semitic.

GREENE

Yep. My high school teacher said I was anti-Semantic. Never learned a damn thing.

SANDERS

Jerry. Where’s the bagels and lox? I thought this was a Hanukkah party.

JERRY

Holiday…holiday party. Get your hearing tested! I suggest you run outside, because the squirrels are collecting nuts.

GREENE

Yeah, Bernie. I hope you choke on a big matzo ball. You crazy old fart.

JERRY

Speaking of big matzo balls, it’s Donald Trump. He’s H-U-G-E!!

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP

I’m not huge.

JERRY

Liar.

TRUMP

You’re right. I’m obese.

TRUMP

I just ran into Sleepy Joe Biden down the hall. He wants to fight me. I’ll knock the hell out of him.

JERRY

Probably. You and a boxer are alike.

TRUMP

How?

JERRY

You’re both empty from the neck up.

TRUMP

Say what you want. I’m brilliant.

JERRY

Hey. It’s President Biden.

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN

(laughs) I just heard the word “brilliant.” Don’t listen to anything that bozo has to say. He’s been indicted on 91 felony counts. Mishandling classified documents, obstructing justice, conspiring to overturn the 2020 election.

TRUMP

Which I won, Sleepy.

BIDEN

Falsifying business records. Trump is so crooked that when he dies, they’ll need to screw him in the ground.

TRUMP

Did you learn that one in kindergarten?

BIDEN

Speaking of screws. How about the hush money Trump paid to porn star Stormy Daniels?

TRUMP

Don’t even know her. Fake nudes.

BIDEN

I’m going to win in 2020, 2030, 31 Flavors. Shucks, 2024. I’m the best Vice-President for the job.

JERRY

You’re the president.

BIDEN

(confused) C’mon, man. You’re kidding.

JERRY

I’m not. Are you too old to run for president?

BIDEN

Nah. I’ve learned life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

JERRY

We have time for one more guest…Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi.

CONGRESSWOMAN NANCY PELOSI

Hello Jerry. I didn’t want to miss your party. Do I look okay?

JERRY

It’s a close call between you and Queen Camilla. Just sayin.

PELOSI

What do you think of the clown show going on in the House? The Republicans can’t do anything right. Not like when I was Speaker.

JERRY

Right on.

PELOSI

I helped pass the Affordable Care Act. Worked to repeal “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” Tore up a copy of Trump’s State of the Union address on live television. That was fun, Jerry.

JERRY

Don’t forget you took on the left wing Democrats in your party when some members said you weren’t liberal enough.

PELOSI

So many accomplishments that I have to pat myself on the back.

PELOSI

I’m always thinking. For instance, if I was married to Donald Trump I’d poison his Diet Coke.

JERRY

Guess what? He’d be happy to drink it. See you tomorrow everyone.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.