Proctologist Interview: Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews proctologist Dr. Theodore Ham.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Wasilla, Alaska proctologist Dr. Theodore Ham.

JERRY

Welcome to the show Dr. Ham.

DR. THEODORE HAM

You betcha. As long as I’m here, bend over so I can feel your rectum.

JERRY

No thanks. I do my own exam. See this middle finger in front of your face?

HAM

Okay. Then how about a colonoscopy? I brung my colonoscope.

JERRY

Will it hurt?

HAM

No, no. It’s a tube with a light and camera. I shove it up your rear, so I can look for polyps. Make sure there’s no cancer.

JERRY

Impossible. We’re live on the air.

HAM

It’s fine. I’m used to workin’ with assholes.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that Dr. Frankenstein.

JERRY

How did you become a proctologist?

HAM

After graduatin’ medical school, I decided to specialize. I knew somethin’ was wrong when I had a proctology exam at the doctor’s office. A light bulb went on in my head when I realized I needed to find a new dentist.

JERRY

What college did you attend?

HAM

Batman U. Many distinguished alumni like Pee Wee Herman, Tiny Tim, Snoop Dog. Proctology is a very rewardin’ career, but you have to start at the bottom.

JERRY

Can you cure hemorrhoids? I’m stressed.

HAM

Oh, ya. I’ll give you some cream to treat them.

JERRY

I’m not so sure my hemorrhoids deserve a treat. They’re a real pain in the ass.

HAM

Haha. Jerry cracked a funny.

JERRY

I’ll crack your head. Wait a second, it is cracked.

HAM

That’s what my wife has been sayin’ for years.

JERRY

I understand you were in the Navy.

HAM

Yep, twenty years. The only proctologist in the Mediterranean fleet. I always got behind my work.

JERRY

What was your rank when you left?

HAM

Rear Admiral.

JERRY

You must be a rich man. Good wages, military pension.

HAM

I made a few bucks. Retirin’ next year and movin’ to Florida.

JERRY

Why Florida?

HAM

Because Floridians figured out rectal thermometers cause brain damage. Look what happened to Goofy.

JERRY

Dr. Theodore Ham everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.