Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Taylor Swift fans (aka “Swifties”), doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Swifties

Ted Nugent sends a harsh message about Taylor Swift’s music — and Swifties clap back

… So, it’s the Swifties vs. the not so swift …

Something stinks: Why #TrumpSmells is trending on X

Can’t believe no judge has pounded the gavel and proclaimed “Odor in the court, odor in the court,” when Trump enters.

Tesla owner says he had to cancel Christmas plans because car would not charge in freezing weather

On the upside his Model 3 didn’t back over his kids.

The ‘why’ behind the effort to recruit Romney for president in 2024

Joe Biden shrugs it off and says “kids, today…”

Mariah Carey and Bryan Tanaka split after 7 years together, day after Christmas

Her new Holiday classic ‘All I Want for Christmas is You (To Get Lost).’

Ozempic overdose? Poison control experts explain why thousands OD’d this year

And looked great while doing so.

Kim Guilfoyle to Alina Habba: “If you could please get my fiancée and his brother off, I’d really appreciate it’

Oh, there’s a good chance she’s getting them off, all right.

Spirit Airlines put a 6-year-old on the wrong flight and flew him 160 miles away from his family

On the bright side, their luggage arrived okay.

Lindsey Graham clucks at New York officials over Chick-Fil-A bill

You’d think he’d be more a Dairy Queen guy.

Jessa Duggar welcomes baby No. 5 with husband Ben Seewald

This woman doesn’t have a uterus, she has a Gymboree …

Biggest Christmas shopping season ever

Beware, if stuff was missing under your tree, you might have been visited by ‘Santos’ Claus.

Happy 75th birthday to Samuel L. Jackson

F#$k yeah, motherf#$er.

Teacher lived with over 300 cats, chickens and ducks in mobile home, Florida sheriff says

Cats and chickens and ducks, oh my.

You are the father!’ Maury Povich declares to Denver Zoo orangutan

… So, that lets 45. and Gary Busey off the hook for Eric Trump …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)