Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Xerox, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Xerox will lay off 15% of its workforce

Xerox will lay off 15% of its workforce.
Xerox will lay off 15% of its workforce.
Xerox will lay off 15% of its workforce.

Nikki Haley offer up ‘black friends’ defense after Civil War gaffe

Haley and Times Square both brought in the New Year by dropping the ball.

People who complain of boredom are 2.5 times more likely to die of a heart attack or stroke

At least, they weren’t busy when it happened.

Mitt Romney thinking of running for President a third time against Joe Biden

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?

Hilaria and Alec Baldwin take their kids to Balloon Museum on New Year’s Eve

Damn, the one place with more hot air than Alex.

Jimmy Kimmel hints at potential lawsuit against Aaron Rodgers

Well, all that Ivermectin made Rodgers a horse’s ass.

A McDonald’s restaurant in Ohio was ordered to close after a customer said he found a crack pipe next to his hash browns and McMuffin

Well, he did order it with Coke …

Trump has made 47 social media posts attacking E. Jean Carroll

In fairness, maybe he thinks it’s his ex-wife Marla.

Panthers owner David Tepper throws drink at Jaguars fans as his team gets embarrassed

… even more embarrassing the tossed drink was intercepted and run back for a touchdown!

Picky goldendoodle will only eat dog food after owners pretend to add ranch dressing

Or, as the owners should be known, ‘Pavlov’s People.’

House Republicans stew over members who caused upheaval

With all the fighting, back stepping, name calling — it’s like an episode of ‘Big Brother: House Of Representatives.’

Young adults avoiding buying starter homes

Instead, opting for starter basements in their parent’s homes.

Zendaya sparks breakup rumors after unfollowing boyfriend Tom Holland

Paging Pete Davidson.

US economy adds 216,000 jobs

Would’ve been 216,001 except for Kevin McCarthy.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)