Barbie Doll: The Jerry Duncan Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the famous Barbie Doll.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out.

JERRY

Hello Barbie Doll.

BARBIE DOLL

I’m scared, Duncan. I heard there are “coyotes” at our southern border.

JERRY

Sure, Barbie. Like I told Sarah Palin many times, don’t let your brain go to your head.

BARBIE

Good advice. From now on whenever I feel stupid, I’ll remember that someone out there thinks Donald Trump should be president again.

JERRY

You were created in 1959. 64 years old and haven’t aged a day. How can that be?

BARBIE

I’m made of plastic. I also do lots of Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

JERRY

You’re a cash cow.

BARBIE

Are you saying I’m fat?

JERRY

No, you’re rich. A billion Barbie dolls were sold worldwide by the time you were 47. That doesn’t include billions of dollars in accessories.

BARBIE

Don’t forget over a billion dollars at the box office for my Barbie movie.

JERRY

You have it all. Convertibles, trailers, jeeps, houses. I’m surprised “Trailer Park Barbie” doesn’t come with bruising on her body.

BARBIE

Why? Battery is not included.

JERRY

I can’t focus on the interview. I profess my love for you, Barbie. Let’s date.

BARBIE

No. My boyfriend Ken and I have been an item for 62 years. He’s a remarkable man. A beach bum, dentist, doctor, farmer, rock star, and gigolo.

JERRY

I don’t get it. All those years together and never pregnant.

BARBIE

Ken can’t get me pregnant. He has permanent underwear molded to his body. It’s the reason we split for a while. I wanted to date men with a real puff stick.

JERRY

Anyone I know?

BARBIE

Yeah. The Pillsbury Dough Boy. But the relationship ended when I got a yeast infection.

JERRY

C’mon, Barbie. Give me a chance. I even wrote a song for you.

BARBIE

(blushes) Really, Duncan?

JERRY

Honest.

BARBIE

I want to hear it.

JERRY

Okay. (sings)

Girls, so many to choose,

Yeah girls, I’ve had quite a few.

There’s Judy, then came Mary, Carolyn replaced by Sue, but none of these girls could measure up to you.

I have Barbie, my own Barbie doll,

I need Barbie,

She truly is my style.

I have Barbie, she’s more that just a pal,

I have Barbie, my own Barbie doll.

BARBIE

That’s so beautiful! You make me happy.

JERRY

Then let me take you to dinner.

BARBIE

When?

JERRY

Tonight.

BARBIE

Where?

JERRY

Wendy’s.

BARBIE

The most beautiful girl on the planet should never be seen at a fast food restaurant. The food is like your mother. Full of fat and only worth a buck.

JERRY

You just insulted Wendy’s.

BARBIE

Jerry. I can’t go out. I’m still in love with Ken.

JERRY

Then move away from the sunlight. I hate the smell of burning plastic. Barbie everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Author
Recent Posts

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.