Ripping The Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about another Bills playoff loss, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bills fans pelt Patrick Mahomes with snowballs after another playoff loss to Chiefs

Luckily for Mahomes, most missed him ‘wide right.’

Trump: ‘We’re going to build an iron dome over our country’

Adding: ‘And make Mars pay for it!’

Supposedly magic jeans promise to reduce cellulite

I’m guessing they’re confusing it with magic genes.

Andrew Yang endorsed Dean Phillips over Biden

So, someone we forgot about is for someone we never heard of!

Melbourne crime boss accidentally shot himself in the testicle

… Ironically, showing his patriotism by shooting himself ‘down under.’

Gen Zers who want the buzz but not the hangover are fueling a nonalcoholic spirits boom

Although it’s making them so boring, look for them to be called Gen Zzzzzzzz.

Ron DeSantis officially suspended his campaign for President. All that leaves are two Republican candidates

One wears too much makeup, dyes their hair, lies about their weight, and the other is Nikki Haley.

Florida man sues Dunkin’ for $50,000 in damages after claiming ‘exploding toilet’

… In fairness, probably just the toilet getting even.

Happy 53rd birthday, Kid Rock

At that age, you might want to change your name to ‘Middle Aged Elevator Music.’

D.C sees biggest snowfall in two years as 3 to 5 inches frost region

The last time the outside of the Capitol was that white was during the January 6 insurrection!

Farmer claims he was offered lap dance if he agreed to wind turbine on his land

You’d think a b%$w job would be more appropriate.

US finds Bayer’s genetically modified corn can be safely grown — but there’s a big catch

It’ll give you quite a headache.

Bill Belichick, Patriots ‘part ways’ after 24 seasons, 6 Super Bowl titles

Man, that took a pair of deflated balls from owner Bob Kraft.

Bill O’Reilly is furious as his own titles get removed after supporting Florida book bans

Who?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)