Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews O.J. Simpson.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is 76-year-old O.J. Simpson, former football running back, actor, and broadcaster.
O.J. SIMPSON
Don’t forget womanizer and con.
JERRY
Thanks for the reminder. I’m surprised you haven’t done anything evil for a while.
O.J.
Not a chance. I found God.
JERRY
Where?
O.J.
On the 18th hole of the Las Vegas golf course where I live. Been searching for the person who killed my wife Nicole under His guidance.
JERRY
(Holds a mirror in front of O.J.’s face) I know who did it. Recognize this guy?
O.J.
Yeah, it’s me. Appreciate your help.
JERRY
In 1994, you were arrested and charged with the stabbing deaths of waiter Ron Goldman and your ex-wife Nicole Brown.
O.J.
It was my favorite football play. Cut left, right, then run like hell.
JERRY
Even with overwhelming evidence that you were the killer, an LA jury found you not guilty. How do you explain it?
O.J.
I tried on the bloody glove in front of the jury. It didn’t fit. My attorney Johnnie Cochran said, “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”
JERRY
The truth is, “It did fit. And you’re full of shit.”
O.J.
(laughs) I should have received an Oscar for best actor, man.
JERRY
Do you remember the first thing the jury forewoman said to Johnnie Cochran after you were found not guilty?
O.J.
Clueless.
JERRY
She said, “I expect that check in my account first thing in the morning.”
JERRY
Do you remember the last thing you said to Nicole?
O.J.
Yessir. I said, “your waiter will be right with you.”
JERRY
In 2007, you were arrested in the same city you now reside. An armed robbery and kidnapping in Las Vegas. Spent 9 years in prison. What were you thinking?
O.J.
No comment. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. The main thing is I found true love.
JERRY
Are you talking about Christie Prody who you dated for 13 years?
O.J.
Yep.
JERRY
Love. Really? According to a police report, she feared for her life.
O.J.
Not true. Christie’s complaint was never taken seriously. All I did was try to hit a golf ball off the top of her head with a new 9 iron. Unfortunately, I missed. It happens.
JERRY
You set a bunch of records as a Heisman Trophy winner at USC. Then in the NFL with the Buffalo Bills. But the record that will stand forever is your criminal record. Assault, kidnapping, murder. There are enough stories for a lifetime of series on Law & Order.
O.J.
Jesus loves me.
JERRY
He gave up on you a long time ago, dude.
O.J.
Oh well. Have a new podcast called I Can’t Believe I’m Not Guilty.
JERRY
O.J. Simpson everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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