Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Wayfair layoffs, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Wayfair lays off over 1,000 employees weeks after CEO told company to ‘work longer hours’

It will now be known as ‘NoWaynotfair.’

DeSantis ends his campaign by falsely quoting Winston Churchill

It’s like Abe Lincoln said: ‘Always check Google first.’

Jim Harbaugh leaving Michigan for NFL’s San Diego Chargers

No surprise! All the stolen signs pointed in that direction.

Trump slams deal that would give Biden authority to close border

Well, it would make it harder for Trump to flee the country.

‘Oppenheimer’ dominates Oscar nominees; Gerwig passed over for best director

… While Jo Koy hates anything that reminds him of the word bomb.

Costco is testing out a new system for entering stores

And a new 500 or less item checkout line to speed things up exiting.

Trump beats Haley in New Hampshire primary

On a side note, it was so cold in New Hampshire members of the Trump team were gathered around their burner phones to keep warm!

Kendal Jenner rocks skimpy bikini in Dubai

How embarrassing for her father, Caitlyn Jenner, who was wearing the same outfit.

Senator Tim Scott is engaged

In fairness, he did have to wait until they settled the SAG-AFTRA strike.

SpaceX executives worried Elon Musk was on drugs during ‘cringeworthy’ all-hands meeting

… No word if it was, as Musk would call it, ‘Xtasy.’

A man who used McDonald’s McChicken Sandwich as weapon against pregnant wife is arrested

Ironically, he confessed after he was grilled.

New Jersey Sen. Bob Menendez wants a New York judge to toss out much of the evidence in the bribery prosecution against him

… No word if he offered to pay the judge off with a gold brick he pulled out of his pants!

Australian police seize lizards worth $800,000 from alleged smugglers

Did the lizards have that in an IRA or all cash?

CNN: Former Trump attorney reacts to $83.3M verdict against Trump

… Hey, CNN you’re gonna have to be way more specific …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)