Homicide Insurance Now Available in US - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Slobovian Life and Casualty to offer Americans affordable homicide insurance.

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

SNN Mass Destruction reporter Aindissa Bytche recently broke the news that Slobovian Life and Casualty will be the first insurance company to offer Americans Homicide Insurance.

Homicide Insurance — Photo: Sara, flickr.com, CC BY-ND 2.0.

She stated that in a recent interview, Slobovian Life and Casualty CEO Algonquin J. Pissefartski said, “If you are American, chances are it’s only a matter of time before you kill somebody.”

He stated that when you commit your murder and are arrested, your Slobovian Life and Casualty policy will stand with you before the judge. He said that there are policies for several levels of coverage:

1. Manslaughter Policy: You get bail money, a public defender and $20.00 in your jail account. Premium: $50.00 a month.

2. Second Degree Murder Policy: You get bail, a lawyer, Accomplice Coverage, character witnesses and $75.00 in your jail account. Premium: $125.00 a month.

3. First Degree Murder Policy: You get bail, top flight lawyer, character witnesses, appeals lawyer, $400.00 in your jail account and a profile on America’s Most Wanted, and if sentenced to death, a priest. Premium: $500.00 a month.

4. Mass Shooting Policy: You get all of the above, plus a personal psychologist, ammunition discount coupons, and at least five people to swear you’re a good person. Premium: $1200.00 a month.

If the homicide insurance is not available through your local insurance vendor, you may order it directly from Slobovian Life and Casualty. Send your request, along with a payment for a 6 month premium for the desired level of coverage to:

Slobovian Life and Casualty
One Fumbeldunkke Strasse
Stankke, Slobovia

(Please affix $49.00 in postage.)

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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.