Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the movie Groundhog Day, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Groundhog Day’ cast reunites 31 years after movie was released

‘Groundhog Day’ cast reunites 31 years after movie was released.
‘Groundhog Day’ cast reunites 31 years after movie was released.

Record snow fall all over the East and Midwest

It has to confuse the Alt Right. They dig all the white but hate getting their asses buried by snowflakes.

Elmo’s viral tweet sparks an existential crisis among his followers

Elmo not tickled by response.

Biden campaign ridicules Trump on Truth Social

Which mean fives of people will see it.

Fugitive Kaitlin Armstrong caught after answering ad for a yoga instructor

Well, at least she’s used to being in uncomfortable positions.

Mitt Romney says lawmakers should get paid even more than $174,000 so that lawmakers stop sleeping in their offices

A-Ha! So, they ARE sleeping on the job!

Activists splatter ‘Mona Lisa’ with soup in Louvre Museum in Paris

So, it’s DaVinci meets Andy Warhol …

Nikki Haley blames Barack Obama for race, gender ‘division’ in America

Also, long division, NFL divisions, tank divisions, and divisions separating cubicles

George Carlin’s estate sues over ghoulish AI routine

You just know George would have more than seven words you can’t say on TV about this AI imposter.

Ben Affleck’s embarrassed ancestors owned slaves

If they could watch Gigli, they’d all be even.

Tucker Carlson’s in Russia

… Must be time for this season’s premier of ‘Dancing with the Tsars.’

Groundhog Day 2024: Punxsutawney Phil does not see his shadow

While Rand Paul’s toupee saw its shadow, which means six more weeks of conspiracy theories.

Private yachts, occasional wife-swapping, and over-the-counter Ozempic: the secret lives of expats

Or, a meeting of Moms for Liberty? You decide.

Travis Kelsie going to another Super Bowl, gets the girl

… Blame the vaccine …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)