Actor Alec Baldwin Interviewed - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews political activist and movie & TV actor Alec Baldwin.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is political activist and movie/TV actor Alec Baldwin.

ALEC BALDWIN

Hello Jerry.

JERRY

You seem to be in a good mood today.

ALEC

Life is beautiful.

JERRY

That’s what the captain of the Titanic said pulling out of Southhampton.

ALEC

Don’t mess with my head. I’m a big star.

JERRY

This is hilarious. You were born in Amityville, New York where the horror film takes place.

ALEC

Considering my brother is Stephen Baldwin, it makes sense.

JERRY

He’s a nut job. The guy has experimented with more drugs than Merck.

ALEC

Go ahead, destroy my family. Hold on, my meditation chant. (pause) Ohmmmmmm.

ALEC

Sorry. I lost my cool.

JERRY

Just like you did 17 years ago when you left a voice message for your 11-year-old daughter Ireland calling her a “rude, thoughtless little pig.” Or the time you assaulted a photographer for videotaping your daughter and ex-wife actress Kim Basinger.

ALEC

Where did you dig up that dirt?

JERRY

From your psycho brother Billy.

ALEC

I’ll make sure he never works in show business again. (pause) Ohmmmmmm.

ALEC

I might run for president. After all, I’m 65 years old and good-looking. Not like those two old farts Tubby Trump and Shuffling Joe.

JERRY

Hey, the Trumpster is trying to lose weight by following the four food groups: McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Papa John’s Pizza and Diet Coke. But let’s talk politics. You supported Barack Obama twice for president and Joe Biden.

ALEC

Yes, indeed. Biden has a favorite charity in which we raised money together called Gere’s Rear. Many helpless gerbils hidden in Richard Gere’s rear were rescued and reunited with their families. It brings tears to my eyes to this day.

JERRY

You can’t run for president. Two years ago, you were involved in a gun accident on the set of Rust in Santa Fe, New Mexico that killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins. The Santa Fe district attorney is charging you with two counts of involuntary manslaughter. He has evidence you pulled the trigger.

ALEC

I’m innocent. I swear on my brother Stephen’s life. (pause) Ohmmmmmm.

JERRY

Alec. Remember the last words of President Abraham Lincoln who said, “Never trust an actor with a gun.”

ALEC

You can’t rattle me. I’m cool, calm, and collected.

JERRY

Kim Basinger. Beautiful. Sexy.

ALEC

You make me wish I had more middle fingers.

ALEC

Kim was mean, sneaky. Had the court send me to anger management. Couldn’t see my daughter for years.

JERRY

Too bad, so sad.

ALEC

Well, I got even. The doctor made her watch my film It’s Complicated 10 times without being sedated after plastic surgery. Her lips grew so big they exploded.

JERRY

Close your eyes, because I have a surprise. Now open.

ALEC

Holy shit! My brother Stephen and he’s wearing a Make America Great Again hat.

STEPHEN BALDWIN

Hi Lefty.

ALEC

Back at you, Wing Nut. You’re a loser. That’s what mom told me.

STEPHEN

Funny. Dad told me you were a loser.

JERRY

I agree with both of you.

STEPHEN

I need to save everyone here. We’re going to read scripture. Right, Jerry?

JERRY

I lied.

STEPHEN

You’re a sinner.

JERRY

Should I pay for my sins with cash or a credit card?

ALEC

Jerry. Stephen may be running for president.

STEPHEN

You know why? Because you’re a liberal Democrat and I’m a MAGA Republican.

ALEC

New Yorkers know Stephen is a lunatic.

STEPHEN

New Yorkers know Alec’s career was finished after making the cartoon Boss Baby. How low will you go for a paycheck, pretty boy?

ALEC

Not a low as you, pothead. Six words. The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas.

STEPHEN

Barney Rubble is an American hero. Study history, toxic breath.

JERRY

Shut up the both of you. I got an idea for a film. How about Forgetting The Baldwin Brothers?

ALEC

(intrigued) I’m listening. Tell me more.

JERRY

It’s about two movie stars forced to spend a week in the wilderness with a horny Cher. What do you think?

ALEC

(pause) Ohmmmmmm.

STEPHEN

Where’s the restroom, Jerry? I’m gagging.

ALEC

I’ll join you, bro.

JERRY

Wow! I brought these two feuding idiots together. I’m smarter than Dr. Phil. Alec and Stephen Baldwin everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.