California's Extreme Weather Explained - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN

SNN Chief Meteorologist searches for clues to explain California’s unique proclivity for extreme weather and other events.

The state of California seems to have the most extreme weather and events of any place in the United States. Californians suffer through extreme heat, earthquakes, wildfires, floods, landslides, mudslides, droughts, snowstorms, tidal waves, tornadoes, high winds and cyclones. It is as if someone put a weather hex on the state.

SNN Chief Meteorologist Leticia Wolley Worme has been studying California for the past several years. This year she enlisted the aid of SNN Witchdoctor and Goozakooologist Dr. Sweet Doorite to spiritually delve into the past, even to the beginning of California, to find a clue as to the mystery of the state’s unique proclivity for extreme weather and other events.

While in a spiritual trance, Dr. Doorite connected with the long dead spirit of a Pissepoux Indian medicine man named Four Dogs. Four Dogs said that he had lived California, then called Hollywoodia, in the 1500’s. He relayed the following tale to Dr. Doorite while she was under the trance.

Shortly after the dawn of mankind, there was a Scoobydoobian Gypsy princess named Thttt. She was banished from her Gypsy tribe for fixing Brontosaurus fights and rigging Tetradactyl races. She had in her possession an amulet made from seven drops of the pee of the great god King Feces. The amulet gave her immortality.

For many eons, she roamed the Earth, finally settling in what was to become California. She made friends with the Pissepouxs who were already. In the twelfth century, the Hippies arrived, as did the Surf bands. She welcomed the newcomers.

The problems began in the early 1500’s, when the Spanish arrived and claimed the land for their King. Thttt defied the Spanish. She was arrested and taken for trial before Spanish viceroy Jose Painnin DeAzze, who sentenced her to death. She told him that she was immortal. He discovered the secret of the amulet and destroyed it.

As she was about to be beheaded, she spat fire at Deazze and invoked a Scoobydoobian death curse upon the land. She growled, “This land you give your King is eternally cursed. It will shake and rattle, it will burn. It will be destroyed by water and fire and wind. The sand will be on fire and the hills will crumble… forever and ever.”

Dr. Sweet Doorite then emerged from her trance, and Meteorologist Leticia Wolley Worme proclaimed that the California Extreme Events & Weather mystery had finally been solved.

SNN Words to Live By

“Life without learning is death.” — Writer Cicero, way back in the B.C.

“Quit it if you can’t do nuthin’ with it.” — Comedian Moms Mabley.

“Life is hard… it’s harder if you’re stupid.” — John Wayne.

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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.