Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Super Bowl LVIII, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Chiefs beat Niners in Super Bowl LVIII overtime

… While the Washington Commanders are already mathematically eliminated from Super Bowl LIX.

Trump bizarrely claims Jan. 6 riot was caused by Nancy Pelosi

Or, Nikki Haley … or, Nancy Pelosi … or, Nikki Haley … or, Nancy Pelosi …

4.6 Earthquake hits L.A.

But, really hard to tell if anyone’s frightened because of all the Botox.

Neurologists pour cold water on GOP attacks on Biden’s memory

So, people who think a lawyer can give a diagnosis on Biden’s mental health, probably go to an accountant for their dental work.

Empty Bed, Bath & Beyond stores are hot real estate

In a related note, I just got emailed a 15% off Bed Bath and Beyond coupon … Sounds like punishment for not using 20% off coupon I constantly get in the mail.

Happy 81st Birthday, Joe Pesci

And, by happy I don’t mean funny, you are not a clown to me …

Ted Cruz wants lawmakers to get security escorts

In fairness, it might’ve protected JFK from Ted’s dad.

Student captures video of Indiana lawmaker flashing his gun

It would have been worse if it wasn’t a gun and the lawmaker was just glad to see him.

Killer Mike arrested at the Grammys

… While Kid Rock couldn’t get himself arrested.

Elon Musk spent $1 million on a super rare McLaren F1 but then crashed it trying to impress Peter Thiel

… Well, at least, no children were backed over.

NASA announces new ‘super-Earth’: Exoplanet orbits in ‘habitable zone,’ is only 137 light-years away

For space travelers, that’s one inflight showing of ‘Killers of the Flower Moon.’

Adult film star Lisa Ann handcuffed at Matt Rife’s comedy show

Well, it’s not like he goes to her place of work, and they force him in front a microphone to tell jokes.

The House FAILED (214-216) to impeach DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas after 4 Republicans voted NO.

… They really miss those 6 votes George Santos claimed he had …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)