Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Teri Hatcher using a dating app, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Teri Hatcher was kicked off dating app after profile was deemed fake

Not only wasn’t it fake, it was spectacular!

$364 million verdict in Trump’s civil fraud trial

To pay for it, Mexico has begun to pass the sombrero.

Swedish minister reaffirms willingness to send jets to Ukraine after finalizing NATO bid

Although, Ukraine will have to use their own IKEA tools and instructions to put them together.

Former FBI informant charged with lying about the Bidens’ role in Ukraine business

So, Hunter didn’t sell out his country and got to party and bang hookers, damn!

TikTok says a foot bath can help ease migraine attacks

Or, you can just turn off TikTok.

Macy’s announces job cuts

Then, who’s the salesperson going to talk to instead of helping me …?

Super Bowl LVIII sets ratings record with a staggering 123.4 million viewers, TV’s biggest audience since the moon landing

And according to low IQanons, both were staged.

Happy 62nd Birthday to Axl Rose

It probably occurred a couple of days ago, but he just showed up now.

Tom Suozzi easily defeats Mazi Pilip for the George Santos seat

Santos says, “no big deal;” it’ll allow him more time to be a Supreme Court Justice.

It’s time for NBA All Star weekend

Or, as the Kardashian’s call it ‘Tinder.’

Rachel Dolezal OnlyFans report reminds everyone she has an Onlyfans

… Wouldn’t she be better off on OnlyTans?

Costco announces Valentine’s Day sale

Anyone want to go in with me on 900 pounds of Chocolate and 1,500 Roses…?

Four mummified monkeys seized from passenger’s luggage at Boston Logan Airport

… Damn, that must’ve been toughest on Mikey Dolenz, who’s still alive!

Eric Trump says Donald “built the skyline of New York City.”

… He meant bilked …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)