Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Sam Waterston, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NBC says Sam Waterston is leaving Law & Order after 20 years and more than 400 episodes

Although, he could turn up on ‘Law and Order: AARP.’

The Alabama Supreme Court has ruled that frozen embryos qualify as human children under state law

So, in Alabama life begins at refrigeration.

Caught at border with python in his pants, New York City man fined and sentenced to probation

Or, maybe, he was just glad to see them.

Documents reveal that Abraham Lincoln pardoned Biden’s ancestor during Civil War

… No word if Biden thanked him personally.

‘Oppenheimer,’ Lily Gladstone win at SAG Awards

So, it turns out the SAG Awards aren’t about honoring old porn stars.

Michael Jordan’s championship sneakers sell for record $8 million at auction

While Trump’s sneakers will sell for 8 million to Mexico!

Putin ally’s son drops dead at 35 in bizarre circumstances

It actually was natural causes.

Venomous 1-foot-long creature found hunting in forest of Ecuador

I thought Tomi Lahren was taller.

Truckers for Trump cancel NY boycott

… Leaving 5s of drivers with free time for long lunch

Cocaine washes ashore near shipwreck

Hmmm? That could bring new meaning to term cruise lines

At trendy Japanese cafés, customers enjoy cuddling with pigs

That really is no way to talk about German tourists, but word is the cuddles do make Germans feel welcome.

Hunter Biden’s lawyers say David Weiss’ team mistook sawdust for cocaine

In fairness, the sawdust might have come from a buzz saw.

Elle Macpherson reveals she goes to sleep wearing nothing but ‘an eye mask and a smile’

And a window open for Pete Davidson!

Kevin O’Leary from Shark Tank came out against Trump fraud verdict

… Can someone tell me what the guys from ‘Queer Eye’ think, so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that, either …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)