Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews fake journalist Tucker Carlson.
PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN
(Russian accent) From under rock, America enemy and my comrade Tucker Carlson.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? No, it’s not. Today on the show my guest is fake journalist Tucker Carlson.
TUCKER CARLSON
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
You sure you’re not the grown up Eddie Munster from The Munsters TV show?
TUCKER
Yes. My DNA test turned out negative. Funny though, the test did show I’m part weasel.
JERRY
You hosted the number 1 talk show on Fox News Tucker Carlson Tonight from 2016-23. What do you attribute to your success?
TUCKER
Simple. Fox News is “fair and balanced.”
JERRY
(laughs) I get it. That’s the joke.
TUCKER
Did I say something funny?
JERRY
Nothing about you is funny except your smirky face. You’re a proponent of Trumpism, right wing populism, nationalism, and fascism.
TUCKER
Don’t forget racism and anti-Semitism.
JERRY
Yep. You give voice to White grievance. Promote conspiracy theories on topics such as COVID, saying the vaccines don’t work. 9-11 isn’t the truth. Here’s a good one, the January 6 insurrection on our Capitol was a peaceful demonstration.
JERRY
Let’s look at the things you pulled out of your ass over the years. Support budget cuts for welfare, food stamps, childcare, and other Federal assistance programs including Pell Grants. All of which help the needy.
TUCKER
What are Pell Grants?
JERRY
The Feds subsidize college tuition for poor kids.
TUCKER
I’m against it.
JERRY
If the rich don’t pay their fair share of taxes, then what’s your solution to reduce the deficit?
TUCKER
Simple. We eliminate the capital gains tax, corporate income tax, and the estate tax for wealthy folks like me. It will employ more people.
JERRY
We already have the lowest unemployment ever under Joe Biden. And he’s making the wealthy pay their fair share of taxes. Sorry, pea brain.
TUCKER
Let me throw out some other convoluted logic.
JERRY
No. Let’s talk about your lies on the air about a stolen election in 2020. The owner of Fox News, your former boss Rupert Murdoch testified under oath to a grand jury the election was not stolen. That the Dominion voting machines were accurate. You were fired as a result.
TUCKER
The old man is senile. He coughs, farts, sneezes, and pees at the same time. Just ask his ex-wives.
JERRY
You said in a text message about the Trumpster, “I hate him passionately.” Senator Lindsey Graham said it was sad to see you go off the rails about the insurrection. Senator Thom Tillis called your account bullshit.
TUCKER
Who cares? Former Congressman George Santos believed me. Would he lie?
JERRY
Here’s some fun facts. Your mother left you and your brother at age 6. Can’t say I blame her.
TUCKER
I don’t care. Daddy married an heiress to Swanson Enterprises. We had TV dinners every night.
JERRY
You got kicked out of boarding school in Switzerland.
TUCKER
The headmaster told the class to make a Swiss roll, so I pushed a skier off the Alps.
JERRY
Now you have a podcast on X. Your latest claim is outrageous. Ukrainian Zelensky is persecuting Christians.
TUCKER
Jesus told me, so it’s got to be true.
JERRY
A criminal named Larry Sinclair “had a night of crack-fueled sex with Barack Obama in 1999.”
TUCKER
Obama was a crystal Methodist. Just ask Sean Hannity.
JERRY
Tuckster. How many MAGA Republicans do you need to screw in a lightbulb?
TUCKER
Don’t know.
JERRY
Ten. One holds the bulb. The other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.
TUCKER
I want to rebuttal.
JERRY
That’s between you and your wife. Tucker Carlson everyone. The man who went to bed with an itchy butt and woke up with sticky fingers.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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