Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Robert Downey Jr.’s Oscar, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Robert Downey Jr., Rob Schneider? — Robert Downey Jr. got his, but what about Rob Schneider?

Robert Downey Jr. becomes 1st ‘Saturday Night Live’ cast member to win an Oscar

Yeah, but Rob Schneider was clearly robbed for ‘Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.’

BREAKING: Former VP Pence just announced that he will NOT be endorsing Trump

… Now there’s some noose.

United Airlines Boeing 737 makes emergency landing in Oregon after losing panel in mid-air

And, realizing all the correct luggage was on board.

Marjorie Taylor Green screamed out during Biden’s SOTU

While what the rest of us just want is for her to STFU!

This week: Pi Day, 3/14; St Patrick’s Day, 3/17

When you combine St. Patrick’s Day and Pi Day in the same week, you get endless drinking.

Kentucky Senate passes bill to grant the right to collect child support for unborn children

Family reunions are sure going to be awkward.

Ye says he has ‘issues’ with Jesus

While Ye’s existence could make Jesus an atheist.

Kate Middleton reportedly under ‘intense stress’ after photoshop controversy

You can tell by the photoshopped stress lines and bags under eyes.

Fisherman’s hand bitten off after being attacked by alligator on golf course

Holy s***, now I call that playing with a handicap …

Man awakens from 12-year coma

That’s right, he finally shut off FOX News.

Cannabis processing facility in Los Angeles engulfed in fire, smoke is blanketing downtown

On the upside, downtown fast food restaurants are seeing a major uptick in business.

Happy 84th birthday Chuck Norris

He’s around the age where he can star in ‘Needs A Walker: Texas Ranger.’

Man spends eight years building 24 ft matchstick Eiffel Tower only to be denied world record

… Talk about the potential of work going up in flames.

Trump calls Haley ‘crazy’ and ‘a very angry person’

Well, you’d have to be to be married to Justin Bieber… Oh wait, never mind.

VW recalling Jettas

… Literally, making it the ‘Return of the Jettas’…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)