Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Amelia Earhart, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Missing Amelia Earhart plane may have been found

Wanna impress me? Find her luggage!

Trump owes over 450 million dollars

Here’s betting when he calls someone in Mexico their phone screen says ‘scam.’

Mathematicians have discovered the secret geometry of life

I’m shocked, shocked someone’s actually using geometry in real life.

Biden approves additional $5.8 billion in student debt relief for 78,000 public service workers

Biden’s paying off more student debt than Matt Gaetz’s Venmo account.

Why New York restaurants are going members-only

Who’d believe enough people own those damn windbreakers to make it worthwhile?

Travis Kelce gives nod to girlfriend Taylor Swift by singing ‘Bad Blood’ on ‘New Heights’ podcast

… Mostly because he’ll have to wait for them to breakup to sing any song about him.

Tiger Wood’s new book is called ‘Drive’

I can’t be only one who thinks it should be called ‘Let Someone Else Drive!’

A New York man’s pet alligator was seized after 30 years; now, he wants Albert back

No word if Albert is the alligator or someone the alligator ate.

Alan Greenspan’s celebrated his 96th birthday

Ironically, interest was low.

Odysseus moon lander tipped over onto side but functioning normally, company says

… So, same as Rudy Giuliani …

Man divorces wife after discovering that none of their three kids are his

Paging Nick Cannon. Paging Nick Cannon. Paging Nick Cannon.

California man charged with stealing bees-wax

Clearly, the victim forgot to mind his own.

Dana Carvey apologizes to Sharon Stone for ‘offensive’ SNL sketch

… Probably doesn’t count, he had his fingers and legs crossed when he said it.

Trump ‘believes’ he’ll be convicted of overturning 2020 US election
in trial this year

… In another example of all that winning …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)