Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former First Ladies Melania and Michelle.
MELANIA TRUMP
(Eastern European accent) Live from under rock in backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. Is good day? Yep. Husband in court.
and Michelle Obama, official White House Photo by Chuck Kennedy, Public Domain.
JERRY DUNCAN
Give me the microphone, you idiot. And no, today sucks!
My guests are former First Ladies Melania Trump and Michelle Obama. Hey, Michelle. You’ve put on a few pounds since you left the White House. What happened?
MICHELLE OBAMA
I realized junk food rules my day. You don’t think I really believed all the nonsense I promoted about healthy foods for kids. I love a juicy double-double hamburger that I can chow down with a thick strawberry shake. Nachos overflowing with melted cheese. Chocolate bon bons that I can inhale like M&M’s.
(burps) Excuse me. I ate 4 eggs over easy and 6 slices of bacon for breakfast.
MELANIA
You should eat vegetables.
MICHELLE
What do you know about vegetables?
MELANIA
I marry one.
MICHELLE
Your husband is also narcissistic, a cheater, and has a man crush on Putin.
MELANIA
Don’t piss off. I slap so hard, even Google won’t find you.
JERRY
Melania. What’s it like living with Donald Trump?
MELANIA
He not what you think.
MICHELLE
He’s worse, girlfriend.
MELANIA
How you know?
MICHELLE
My husband has been insulted by him for 9 years. I’ll never forget when The Donald said Barack was born in Kenya.
MELANIA
Is near Vermont? I feel sorry for you husband. Donald always forget to take meds. I worry he deport me back to Slovenia.
JERRY
How do you feel about the possibility of being First Lady again?
MELANIA
I never Trumper. Fly to Canada. Make sexy move on Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
JERRY
Michelle, you’ve sold 20 million copies of your autobiography Becoming. What are you going to do with all that money?
MICHELLE
I don’t know, Duncan. Money isn’t everything.
JERRY
But it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.
MICHELLE
Yes. Our two girls always have their hand out. The other night Barack thought our girls were spoiled. I told him, “No. All kids smell like that.”
JERRY
Melania. Your husband is a bully. He has threatened retribution against his enemies if elected president in 2024.
MELANIA
I don’t like bully.
MICHELLE
You’re staying in the marriage for money and power. You’re a hypocrite.
MELANIA
No. You the hippopotamus.
MICHELLE
You talk like Dracula.
MELANIA
You big like Frankenstein.
JERRY
Who left the bag of idiots open? Both of you need to stop the war of words. Melania, tell me something about your youth.
MELANIA
I from Slovenia. Decide to be model in Europe them move to New York City. Marry Trumpster and bring parents here.
JERRY
Trump is against chain migration. What makes you the exception?
MELANIA
I beautiful.
JERRY
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
What’s your story Michelle?
MICHELLE
I grew up poor on the South Side of Chicago.
JERRY
(sings Jim Croce song Bad Bad Leroy Brown)
Is the baddest part of town,
And if you go down there,
You better just beware,
Of a man named Leroy Brown.
MICHELLE
I knew gangstas like Leroy Brown. But they didn’t scare me. Despite not having money, I became a successful corporate attorney.
MELANIA
My husband have gangster name.
JERRY
What is it?
MELANIA
Donny small hands.
JERRY
Please continue Michelle.
MICHELLE
I met Barack when he interned at my law firm in Chicago. It was perfect timing. I had broken up with a guy who had a lazy eye, because he was seeing someone on the side.
JERRY
How about you Melania? How did you meet the Trumpster?
MELANIA
I mail order bride. First time he lay eyes on me, he click ‘add to cart.’
JERRY
Thank you, ladies. This was inspirational. Not! Former First Ladies Melania Trump and Michelle Obama.
See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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