Former First Ladies Talk Radio Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former First Ladies Melania and Michelle.

MELANIA TRUMP

(Eastern European accent) Live from under rock in backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. Is good day? Yep. Husband in court.

Former First Ladies Melania and Michelle — Former First Ladies. Photos: Melania Trump by Regine MahauxWeaver, Whitehouse.gov, CC BY 3.0 us
and Michelle Obama, official White House Photo by Chuck Kennedy, Public Domain.

JERRY DUNCAN

Give me the microphone, you idiot. And no, today sucks!

My guests are former First Ladies Melania Trump and Michelle Obama. Hey, Michelle. You’ve put on a few pounds since you left the White House. What happened?

MICHELLE OBAMA

I realized junk food rules my day. You don’t think I really believed all the nonsense I promoted about healthy foods for kids. I love a juicy double-double hamburger that I can chow down with a thick strawberry shake. Nachos overflowing with melted cheese. Chocolate bon bons that I can inhale like M&M’s.

(burps) Excuse me. I ate 4 eggs over easy and 6 slices of bacon for breakfast.

MELANIA

You should eat vegetables.

MICHELLE

What do you know about vegetables?

MELANIA

I marry one.

MICHELLE

Your husband is also narcissistic, a cheater, and has a man crush on Putin.

MELANIA

Don’t piss off. I slap so hard, even Google won’t find you.

JERRY

Melania. What’s it like living with Donald Trump?

MELANIA

He not what you think.

MICHELLE

He’s worse, girlfriend.

MELANIA

How you know?

MICHELLE

My husband has been insulted by him for 9 years. I’ll never forget when The Donald said Barack was born in Kenya.

MELANIA

Is near Vermont? I feel sorry for you husband. Donald always forget to take meds. I worry he deport me back to Slovenia.

JERRY

How do you feel about the possibility of being First Lady again?

MELANIA

I never Trumper. Fly to Canada. Make sexy move on Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

JERRY

Michelle, you’ve sold 20 million copies of your autobiography Becoming. What are you going to do with all that money?

MICHELLE

I don’t know, Duncan. Money isn’t everything.

JERRY

But it certainly keeps you in touch with your children.

MICHELLE

Yes. Our two girls always have their hand out. The other night Barack thought our girls were spoiled. I told him, “No. All kids smell like that.”

JERRY

Melania. Your husband is a bully. He has threatened retribution against his enemies if elected president in 2024.

MELANIA

I don’t like bully.

MICHELLE

You’re staying in the marriage for money and power. You’re a hypocrite.

MELANIA

No. You the hippopotamus.

MICHELLE

You talk like Dracula.

MELANIA

You big like Frankenstein.

JERRY

Who left the bag of idiots open? Both of you need to stop the war of words. Melania, tell me something about your youth.

MELANIA

I from Slovenia. Decide to be model in Europe them move to New York City. Marry Trumpster and bring parents here.

JERRY

Trump is against chain migration. What makes you the exception?

MELANIA

I beautiful.

JERRY

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

What’s your story Michelle?

MICHELLE

I grew up poor on the South Side of Chicago.

JERRY

(sings Jim Croce song Bad Bad Leroy Brown)

Is the baddest part of town,

And if you go down there,

You better just beware,

Of a man named Leroy Brown.

MICHELLE

I knew gangstas like Leroy Brown. But they didn’t scare me. Despite not having money, I became a successful corporate attorney.

MELANIA

My husband have gangster name.

JERRY

What is it?

MELANIA

Donny small hands.

JERRY

Please continue Michelle.

MICHELLE

I met Barack when he interned at my law firm in Chicago. It was perfect timing. I had broken up with a guy who had a lazy eye, because he was seeing someone on the side.

JERRY

How about you Melania? How did you meet the Trumpster?

MELANIA

I mail order bride. First time he lay eyes on me, he click ‘add to cart.’

JERRY

Thank you, ladies. This was inspirational. Not! Former First Ladies Melania Trump and Michelle Obama.

See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.