Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the NCAA Final Four, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NCAA Final Four set

I, for one, will be watching the Final Four at home, as will most of my picks.

Trump now only has to come up with $175 million

What a relief … for Mexico.

SpaceX confirms starship loss after third test flight

That’ll teach them to put it on autopilot.

Republicans slam Biden for proclaiming ‘Transgender Day of Visibility’ on Easter, though it’s yearly observed on March 31

It sounds like some folks can’t handle that Easter Sunday is also International Trans Day of Visibility. It’s like they can’t chew bubblegum and walk on water at the same time.

Shohei Ohtani breaks silence on interpreter scandal

Takes odds on whether he’ll be suspended …

Pediatricians advise no fruit juice until kids are 1

But now what are parents supposed to mix with the tequila?

Couple priced out of Seattle’s housing market, so they bought a farmhouse in Japan for $30K instead

Still a big money saver, even with the commute …

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene filed motion to oust Mike Johnson as House speaker

People are saying it’s the first time she didn’t want a Johnson!

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ homes have been raided by US law enforcement

Well, big question: Diddy or didn’t he?

NBC News officially drops Ronna McDaniel following on-air backlash from staff

Let’s face it; NBC would’ve hired Jeffrey Dahmer to do restaurant reviews!

Happy 78th Birthday, Liza Minnelli

… A woman who’s married more gay men than a Justice of the Peace in West Hollywood.

Sam Bankman-Fried’s sentenced to 25 years in prison

He’s changed currencies from crypto to cigarettes.

Sexually transmitted infection rates have risen sharply among adults 70 and older

Apparently, 70 is the new 69.

Truth Social co-founders accuse Trump of trying to rip them off in merger

… We would have known sooner, but they made the announcement on Truth Social …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)