Baseball Player: A Talk Radio Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Oakland A’s baseball player Bean Werski.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is Oakland A’s baseball player, outfielder Bean Werski.

Oakland Coliseum, baseball player — Oakland Coliseum. Photo: Quintin Soloviev, Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0.

BEAN WERSKI

Howdy Jerry.

JERRY

For the record, the A’s suck. Last season, they had 50 wins and 112 losses. The worst record in baseball. But you were the exception. A golden glove winner. A switch hitter.

BEAN

I never discuss my personal life.

JERRY

You bat left and right.

BEAN

I’m not really a switch hitter. Got married right out of high school to a local girl I knocked up. We come from a tight knit Polish American community.

JERRY

Then you must know how to stop the Polish Army on horseback.

BEAN

Nope.

JERRY

Turn off the carousel.

BEAN

I’m a proud Pole, Jerry. I heard today that Poland just bought 10,000 septic tanks. As soon as they learn how to drive them, they are going to invade Russia. Won’t need NATO troops on their border.

JERRY

Talk about how you got the nickname Bean.

BEAN

Sure. Goes back to when I was 9 years old in Little League. The coach told me that I was gonna catch flies in the outfield. I thunk to myself ‘flies’…those ugly bugs that eat dog poop? Well, the coach hit a ball high in the air. I lost it in the sun and the damn ball landed on my head. That’s how I got the name Bean. The coach said the only error I made was playing Little League.

JERRY

The jerk isn’t laughing now. You’re in the major leagues.

BEAN

Yep. Last I heard, coach is workin at Walmart.

JERRY

The only store where a strong back and weak mind get you a job.

BEAN

You betcha.

JERRY

Bean. What makes you a good outfielder?

BEAN

Shucks. I can track and catch a ball. My arm is so strong, I can reach the cutoff man with a runner on base.

JERRY

Heard opposing team fans chant “Bean Werski.” And not in a good way.

BEAN

I have PTSD from being hit in the head by so many pitchers. I’m fully prepared for you to abandon me.

JERRY

I will after the interview.

JERRY

What’s it like to hit a home run?

BEAN

Don’t know. We’re the Oakland A’s. The other night the cops were called to the game when they heard one of my teammates was stealing a base.

JERRY

The Oakland A’s are like orphans, folks. They don’t now where home is. Bean Werski everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.