Making the Bible Great Again - JC Wade, Humor Times

Former President Donald Trump has sold ties, steaks and vodka. Now he is even hawking his own version of the Bible.

Former President Donald Trump has sold ties, steaks and vodka. Now he is even hawking his own version of the Bible. This is by far the oddest thing for him to market given that his behavior often seems to be counter to the teachings of the Holy Book.

Trump with Bible — Photo: The White House, Public Domain.

I recently had the opportunity to interview ‘The Donald’ to ask him about his latest business venture. Below is a transcript of our exchange.

Me: Mr. Trump, I understand that you are selling what you call the “God Bless the USA Bible.” What prompted you to go into the Bible business?

DJT: Well, the other Christian Holy Books are old having been written hundreds of years ago and they haven’t been updated. So much has changed in the world and the Bible hasn’t keep up with the times. The Sacred Writ is my favorite book although I haven’t actually read it. But a lot of people are saying that mine is much better and will make the Holy Scriptures great again.

Me: It hasn’t kept up with the times. What do you mean?

DJT: Take the 10 commandments, they haven’t been updated since they were given to Moses. And Moses smashed them in a fit of anger. For all we know the first commandment was “Don’t smash the commandments” which Moses would not have disclosed. There is no hard evidence that they weren’t actually commands but just suggestions. But regardless they weren’t set in stone. They need to change with the times.

For instance, the one about keeping the Sabbath day holy was fine in Moses’ day but that was before the NFL came about with most of it’s games on Sunday. You could cheer for the New Orleans Saints but that probably wouldn’t suffice. The commandment should only apply to the offseason.

Another rule that needs to be modified is the one about not using the Lord’s name in vain. No one can be expected to adhere to that during March Madness when everyone’s bracket is getting busted. Swearing should be allowed during the tournament. My Bible makes these necessary modifications.

But the one that specifies “thou shall not steal” remains as Crooked Joe Biden stole the 2020 election which was disgraceful, that I can tell you. I’ve also added a commandment which says “thou shall not start any more witch hunts. That was long overdue.

Me: Do you adhere to the other rules?

DJT: I try. The rule against coveting your neighbor’s wife is a tough one but I now get around it by fooling around in neighborhoods other than my own. As far as my previous affairs, I plan on winning the 2024 election and then pardoning myself for them along with a long list of other pardons I will need to give myself.

Me: Besides your changes to the ten commandments, have you made any other changes to the Good Book?

DJT: I did add the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Pledge of Allegiance, and the Art of the Deal. But I didn’t change any of the Bible stories as they are great.

Me: What are your favorite stories in the Holy Writ?

DJT: I really liked the one where Jonah disobeyed God who punished him by having him and his father, Geppetto, swallowed up by Moby Dick. I liked the fact that God forgave Jonah and freed them which makes me sure that God will pardon me if I can’t pardon myself.

And another favorite is the story of Jesus’ betrayal by Judas Priest who received 30 pieces of silver for turning on our Savior. That was a terrible deal. I would have gotten 60 pieces. The trial was then presided over by Punchless Pilot and was the first known witch hunt.

Jesus, along with God and that ghost guy are my favorite characters in the Bible.

Me: Do any other characters resonate with you?

DJT: I could really relate to Samson who, like me, was a divinely inspired leader with hair issues. And in the biblical sense, I would probably have liked Mary Magdalene if I had known her. And I really liked what I was told about the two Corinthians.

Me: Well, thank you Mr. Trump for telling me about your new Bible. Do you have any other business ventures planned?

DJT: Yes, I’m looking at selling indulgences which are like a get out of hell card. That was a successful business in the Middle Ages. I’m not sure why they stopped selling them. We’ll see what happens.

Me: There you have it. Trump’s “God Bless the USA Bible” can be purchased online for the low price of $59.99 plus tax. And don’t forget to pray this November.

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JC Wade

J. Wade is a retired Chief Financial Officer from Missouri. He has had humor articles published in the Humor Times, USA Today, The Journal of Irreproducible Results and Unhinged Magazine, which is now defunct (not his fault).