Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a Norwegian cruise ship, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Eight passengers stranded on African island after Norwegian cruise ship left without them

Amongst them were the Professor and Maryann …

MAGA influencers falsely claim Trump paid mortgage for slain NYPD officer’s family

Would it count if he got Mexico to do it?

Mayor of Medellín, Colombia, bans prostitution in neighborhoods that are popular with tourists

Making new neighborhoods that are now, checks notes, popular with tourists.

BREAKING: U.S. Domestic Energy production is the largest in the world under Biden by far

And, beef jerky and a Slurpee are 1/2 price in gas station convenience stores.

Were Travis Kelce & Taylor Swift really fighting on their Malibu Lunch date?

Yes, and it’s going to make one helluva a double album.

Anthony Scaramucci gives ‘No. 1 reason’ why ‘alarmed’ Republicans are hush on Trump

Let’s face it — they’re “grab ’em by the pussy whipped.”

8.2 million packets of Tide, Gain, Ace, and Ariel detergent pods recalled

Now we’re talking laundered money!

NYC hit with a 4.8 earthquake

Although, the Russian seismologist only gave it a 3.2.

Molly Ringwald’s daughter Mathilda was conceived in Studio 54 dressing room

… Good thing it wasn’t Studio 69 …

Donald Trump’s increasingly questionable bond could end up getting rejected

The bond appears to be weaker than his bond with Tiffany!

Happy 87th birthday, Warren Beatty

What do you get the guy who’s had everybody?

Megyn Kelly mocks Kamala Harris, Michelle Obama for praising Beyoncé’s ‘Cowboy Carter’: ‘We have to pretend she’s the second coming’

Megyn needs to change her name to Karyn.

KKK wants to recruit blacks, Jews and gays

Who knew there was a market for people who want to burn a cross on their own lawns?

U.S. Added 303,000 Jobs In March

… Would’ve been 303,002 except, y’know, Candice Owens and Rona McDaniel …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)