Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Golden Bachelor, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

‘Golden Bachelor’ Couple Gerry Turner & Theresa Nist to divorce three months after televised wedding

They’ve decided to spend more time with their true loves. So, they’ll be alone.

Ex-Trump CFO Allen Weisselberg heads back to Rikers for five months

Weisselberg returns to Riker’s so often he ought to apply for a ‘Doing Timeshare …’

Stolen Tesla’s battery runs out during police chase

Thankfully, nobody was harmed because they didn’t put it on autopilot.

Biden calls for G7 meeting after 99% of Iran missiles fired at Israel shot down

… Mostly, to accept a giant stuffed animal for the good shooting.

Leonardo DiCaprio and girlfriend Vittoria Ceretti enjoy date night in Santa Monica

It must be serious — it was on a school night.

Arizona adopts 1864 abortion law

Arizona doesn’t change their clocks, which explains why they’re now stuck in 1864.

ObamaCare turns 13

Making it far more mature than most of its opponents.

Nude sleeping, is it good for your health?

… Not if the person you’re with has their spouse show up unexpectedly.

Trump’s Truth Social stock crashes as soon as market opens

If Truth Social drops below 18, you know Matt Gaetz’ll be really attracted to buy!

Happy 77th birthday David Letterman

Dave’s gone from special in Late Night to the early bird special.

Calif. Con Artist bilked $18 million out of his victims by peddling fake cannabis businesses

Ironically, they’re now going to wind up in the joint.

OJ Simpson’s family confirms his death at 76

OJ is now looking for Nicole and Ron’s killer in a place that’s even warmer than Florida.

Conan O’Brien returns to The Tonight Show for the first time since he was removed 14 years ago

… Unless he’s bumped by Jay Leno.

Video shows moment country bad boy Morgan Wallen hurled chair off Nashville rooftop bar

… Talk about not grasping the gravity of the situation …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)