Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Red Lobster, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Red Lobster eyes bankruptcy option after $11M in losses from endless shrimp

It will now be known as ‘Running in the Red, Lobster.’

Donald Trump attacked Jimmy Kimmel for something Al Pacino did

In fairness you can’t hold enough people responsible for the film ‘Cruising.’

Clint Eastwood reflected on where it all started

Let’s just say, it was so long ago that when he made Westerns they were considered contemporary dramas.

Boeing CEO Calhoun stepping down

Calhoun was told to not let the door fall off and hit him on the ass on his way out.

Can Netanyahu avoid triggering a regional war?

Not if he has any say in it …

Dance hall legend Elephant Man reveals he has 38 kids

I’m guessing they call him Elephant Man because he never forgets any of their names …

‘Rust’ armorer Hannah Gutierrez-Reed called jurors ‘idiots’ in jail phone calls, prosecutors say

So, she also has a problem with shooting off her mouth.

INDIANA: Republican TV star sheriff Jamey Noel accused of stealing $5MM in taxpayer money and blowing it on vacations, luxury cigars and plastic surgery

Welp, first thing he’ll hear in an Indiana prison shower is someone telling him, ‘Hoosier Daddy?’

Vatican complains after French court rules in favor of nun dismissed from her religious order

They’ve gotta be worried other Nuns’ll make a habit of it.

Woman tells house committee she attended party with Gaetz where drugs, naked underaged girl were present

… So, a Moms for Liberty event?

Tiger Woods finishes Masters with his highest score as pro and sets sights on remaining majors

No matter where he finished, Tiger’s Masters was amazing, thanks to 3 drivers … two in his bag and the one that takes him back and forth to the golf course.

‘I had no idea that line would precede me for the rest of my life:’ Matthew McConaughey

Hey, Matt, ‘alright, alright, alright,’ what line might that be?

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs’ son Christian Combs accused of sexual assault in lawsuit

In other words, the bad apple doesn’t fall far from the P.

Over 50 prospective Trump jurors say unable to be fair, excused

… And that was just his former White House staff and Cabinet members …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)