Train Engineer Interview, Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Train Engineer Dwayne Smith from Hibbing, Minnesota.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today I’m interviewing Train Engineer Dwayne Smith from Hibbing, Minnesota. The town is famous for its iron ore mines and singer/songwriter Bob Dylan.

Train Engineer, East Palestine, Ohio derailment site. — East Palestine, Ohio derailment site. Photo: FracTracker Alliance, flickr.com, CC BY-NC 2.0.

JERRY

Good morning, Dwayne.

DWAYNE SMITH

It ain’t me babe. Get it, Bob Dylan… Hibbing.

JERRY

You’ve been eating too much moose dung, Dwayne.

SMITH

No. I like wolf testicles.

JERRY

(sarcastic) That’s a relief.

JERRY

I understand you’re an engineer. You must be the smartest man in Hibbing.

SMITH

What do you mean by engineer?

JERRY

A person that applies scientific principles to analyze, design, invent, and solve all sorts of problems in society.

SMITH

Yep. I graduated from Casey Jones Elementary. That’s how I qualified to be an engineer. I drive a mean train, Duncan.

JERRY

Not so fast, Choo Choo. According to a Federal Railroad Administration report, you are the worst train engineer in the United States.

SMITH

Yep. Nope. Yep.

JERRY

Four derailments in the past 7 months. One with hazardous materials in Ohio. People had to flee a town.

SMITH

Them folks got a bigger problem. Ohio is the only state that is round on both sides and “high” in the middle.

JERRY

An engineer is responsible for the train speed and brake handling. How in the hell did your train hit the only semi-trailer in South Dakota?

SMITH

The answer my friend is blowin’ in the wind. The answer is blowin’ in the wind.

JERRY

Shut up, idiot.

SMITH

Don’t blame me for every accident. The other day two blondes were walking through the woods outside of Hibbing. According to the police report, they came to my train tracks. A farmer heard one of the blondes yelling, “Looks like deer tracks.” The other said, “No. They look like moose tracks.” While they were arguing, my train hit them. They’re now in physical therapy at the state mental hospital.

JERRY

Knock, knock.

SMITH

Who’s there?

JERRY

Dwayne.

SMITH

Dwayne who?

JERRY

Dwain the lake I think I’m dwowning.

JERRY

Dwayne Smith everyone. See you tomorrow.

SMITH

All aboard!

JERRY

The show is over, bonehead.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.