Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
A SNN Reporter has uncovered trial Judge Merchan’s list of possible punishments for Trump when and if he is found guilty.
SNN Sneakinaround reporter Quintessential Pussyfoote has uncovered Donald Trump trial Judge Juan Merchan’s hand written list of possible punishments for Trump if and when he is found guilty of falsifying business records in order to pay hush money to former porn star Stormy Daniels.
Miss Pussyfoote went undercover disguised as part of the courthouse cleaning crew and was able to get into the judge’s chambers and sort through his deskside trash can. She found the list and was able to get it out of the courthouse undetected.
Scribbled on a legal pad page were the following possible sentences:
• Life without parole
• 34 consecutive life sentences
• Firing Squad
• Hanging by the gallows from the Jan. 6 insurrection meant for VP Pence
• Boiling in oil
• Confiscate all his money, Trump Tower and Mar-a-Largo
• Confiscate Mrs. Trump
• Sentence to 20 years as a Vegetarian
• Sentence to 20 years as Joe Biden’s butler
• Sentence to 20 years as Alvin Bragg’s chauffer
• Sentence to 20 years as MSNBC intern
• Strip him naked and turn him over to Leticia James, Fani Willis and AOC
• Strip him naked and throw him into a flaming dung pit with Rev. Al Sharpton
• 34,000 lashes with a Cat-o-Nine Tails
• Turn him into Artificial Ignorance
• Turn him over to the cannibals who ate Joe Biden’s Uncle
Breaking News
International Cannibals Union to Sue President Biden for Slander
Breaking Sports Entertainment News
WNWA Crowns New Wrestling Champion
The World Nuns Wrestling Association has a new World Champion. Sister Mary Catherine Bloodbeast used her famous “Crucifix from Hell” hold to beat Sister Bertrille Thumbscrew last night at Purgatory Arena and claim the title. The match was a “Holy Water Death Match.”
SNN Words to Live By
“When you’re cool, they’re out to get you.” — The Fonz (Henry Winkler), Happy Days, 1970’s TV show.
“A political party isn’t a fraternity.” — Ronald Reagan.
“Experience is the name we give our mistakes.” — NHL coach Fred Shero.
Question of the Week
What movie character would you most like to make love to? (Post your answer in the comments below!)
Author’s pick: Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi) from the James Bond movie Thunderball.
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