Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Victoria Beckham, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Spice Girls reunite for impromptu ‘stop’ performance at Victoria Beckham’s 50th birthday party

Now when Victoria tells you what ‘she wants, what she really, really, wants,’ it includes a nap …

Kari Lake bemoans fact that Arizona’s 1864 abortion ban is not being enforced

Who cares? It’s 1864! She doesn’t have a vote.

NFL Draft Day 2024 begins

… and the NY Jets are already mathematically eliminated from making the Super Bowl.

Biden again reads teleprompter instructions: ‘4 More Years … Pause’

On the upside, at least he can read.

Las Vegas teen whose family was ridiculed for calling 911 to report alien in backyard speaks out

… Instead of just giving the alien the phone and letting him call home.

Pecker testifies

When it came to Trump’s denials about not having sex with Stormy or Karen McDougal, Pecker served as an erection denier.

100,000 live salmon spill out of overturned truck in Oregon — and most end up swimming away in creek

Cue: Born Free.

Video shows moment country bad boy Morgan Wallen allegedly hurled chair off Nashville rooftop bar

… Talk about not grasping the gravity of the situation …

RNC Chair Lara Trump: ‘We have lawsuits in 81 States’

… My how the U.S has grown since Obama said there was 57.

Happy 84th birthday Al Pacino

Now when he screams ‘Hoo Ha,’ it’s probably to get rid of some phlegm.

Kristi Noem describes killing dog after bad hunting trip in new book

She will now be known as Governor Cruella Deville.

The average price of a single detached home in the Greater Los Angeles area is roughly $959,400

No word what homes in a relationship are going for …

Company that made millions of defective sleep apnea machines ordered to overhaul manufacturing

Now that’s a wake-up call!

BREAKING: 11 Arizona Trump fake electors indicted on state charges including former GOP state chair

… Although there’s a chance 7 of them are George Santos.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)