Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Blue Bloods, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Blue Bloods canceled

… Good thing Tom Selleck has that reverse mortgage.

Arizona lawmakers vote by a narrow margin to repeal Civil War-era abortion ban

No word if they counted the votes of women and blacks.

Man who drove Tesla off cliff with family in car was ‘psychotic,’ doctor says

And then billed him.

Biden grants 317,000 borrowers Student Loan Forgiveness and refunds of payments

Biden continues paying off more student debt than Matt Gaetz’s Venmo account.

Octopus escapes aquarium

Be careful out there; he’s well-armed.

More than 25% of arrested Columbia protesters were not connected to the University, police say

… No surprise some of Columbia protesters were outsiders … because that’s the only way they could ever get into an Ivy League school.

Lindsey Graham’s whiny Trump defense: Tiger Woods paid hush money, too

Lindsey Graham gotta be grateful he’s Trump’s lap dog and not Kristi Noem’s.

Prince Harry to return to UK for Invictus Games anniversary

…While UK tabloids consider it a chance to play game of Invectives.

Boeing-linked whistleblower dead, the second in 2 months: ‘He possessed tremendous courage,’ lawyers say

It’s like Putin is running the company.

Happy 80th birthday, Jimmy Page

At this point an ‘Elevator to Heaven’ might be a safer idea.

Tennis legend Boris Becker discharged from bankruptcy court in England

So, he was guilty of racketeering.

Bill Maher slams pro-Palestine protesters as ignorant, unemployed narcissists

… That is, if you believe their profile on LinkedIn.

PEOPLE: Tourist mauled after rolling down window to take selfie with bear

Or, as bears call it ‘Bon Appetit.’

Truth Social’s accounting firm has just been shut down and fined $14M by the SEC for “massive fraud”

… Or, as it’s also known, Von ShitzInPantz Media.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)