Spring into Spring with New Delights from MAGA Marketplace

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By Dan Berman 

A new MAGA marketplace offers anything and everything today’s conservatives might want or need.

We are delighted, in this The Year of Retribution, to unveil our latest and greatest offerings for your health and enjoyment. From all of us here at the new MAGA marketplace, MAGA Mega Marketplace (MMM), to your family of patriots.

Thoughts & Prayers Bath Spritz

MAGA marketplace
MAGA marketplace Thoughts & Prayers Bath Spritz.

If you’re like us (and we know you are), you hate the wasted time taking off clothing before a bath only to have to put your duds back on again later. Now, with MMM Thoughts & Prayers Bath Spritz, you can get bathtub clean simply by spraying our wonderful new cornucopia of sanctifying chemicals directly through whatever you are wearing.

Our product’s miracle penetrants, Polysorbate 80 and Round-up™, thought by many of the Woke crowd and their so-called scientists to be carcinogenic, will scare their kind away. So you will have the double-delight of knowing you are clean as a non-trafficked-by-liberals baby’s bottom while enjoying a product used by only the purest among us.

The Digital Makers & Shakers Prayer Watch

Input all your wants and wishes into our Makers & Shakers Prayer Watch and let modern technology broadcast your prayers into the heavens on a 24-7 basis. Among the testimonials we received: “Once I knew my prayers were being transmitted without my having to keep running the words through my head, I could enjoy my chips and dip one heckuva lot more. With with less mental effort on my part than ever before, my beloved Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl once again.” (John T, Omaha, Nebraska) And “It doesn’t hurt quite so bad when my prayers go unanswered, knowing that the Prayer Watch did all the asking. It’s kind of like God is saying ‘no’ to the Prayer Watch instead of to me.” (Mary V, Brooklyn, NY)

MMM Pure-Air Hearing Aids

Simply insert these comfy ear-plugs into (you guessed it) your ears, and no troublesome words and concepts need ever plague your eardrums again. Not only do our Sound Filtering Pure-Air Hearing Aids come pre-programmed to winnow out such bothersome terms as “feminist”, “slavery”, “black people”, “homeless”, “Muslims”, “voting rights” and “compassion”…you can add any additional words which offend you personally .

MMM Children’s Books

A totally new category (we can’t believe we didn’t think of it sooner) for 2024 is our series of beautifully illustrated books to help the little ones get a head start on clear thinking. Some of the titles include:

  • “The Sunny Side of Vladimir Putin”
  • “Mr. Justice Thomas Goes On Vacation”
  • “The Big Lie About ‘The Big Lie’”
  • “The Slave Who Almost Came To Dinner”

Our “Own The Liberals” Clothing Line

Make the candy-ass cry-babies weep even bigger tears by proudly wearing our 100 percent pure polyester sweatshirts. Our latest zingers include:

  • My AR-47’s Pronouns Are “See / You / In / Hell”
  • Our God Has Bigger Balls Than Your God
  • Vote Out The Vote
  • No White Power Neo-Fascist Ever Asked Me For Reparations
  • Christ Did Not Mean His Father Should Forgive Democrats

Cry Baby Bath Tissue

When you TP your libtard, science-worshiping, eco-hysteric neighbor’s house, do it with our special Cry Baby Tissue rolls where each 4-ply square is imprinted “Made from 100% Virgin Forest Clear Cut”.

MMM Monthly “No Questions Asked Fun Box”

Just $24 per month brings you our pre-selected Fun Box of Goodies. You won’t know what’s coming, but you can rest assured there will never be any pesky literature with aggravating fake-history “facts”, ingredients not tested on animals, or gender-”neutral” content.

Some of our fave surprises from the past year’s Fun Boxes – which received rave reviews from our MMM faithful – were:

  • Finger-print resistant 9 mm rounds.
  • Kid Rock’s Forty Forgotten Top Hits CD
  • “Lock Her Up” Charm Bracelet
  • Magic Mist Cancer Cure Coal Dust

Anti-Woke Gold Bars

Sick and tired of cry-baby Wokeaholics whining about diversity? Our gold-colored gold bars are Patriot Strong ™ with guaranteed cores of 100% iron. Only $2500 for each $5000 face value bar. While not currently legal tender, DJT Enterprises provides this certificate of authenticity with each and every 2 lb bar: These bars are huge and they are the greatest gold bars ever produced in the history of mankind. Now, we are not saying this but there are lots and lots of people saying that when the true heir to the presidential throne is re-elected, these DJT gold bars will immediately become legal tender at full face value.

Pezidential ™ Candy Dispenser

Each tiny tangy candy tablet that pops out of our Beloved Leader’s mouth bears a word or two or three that will clear your mind and whose simple truth shall set you free, like:

HUGE LOCK HER UP EXECUTE RETRIBUTION STAND BY

Pardon Blankets

The love of your life will forgive most anything, when you ask her forgiveness with a gift of this colorful 6 foot by 4 foot white wool-like™ blanket with a big, bold PARDON emblazoned on it in traffic-stop red.

Also available in Confederate Flag design with the slogan DON’T BLAME A REBEL.

Also available to ladies – only in black, with orange lettering saying WASN’T ME BABE, ANTIFA CRASHED YOUR CAR.

And finally an announcement sure to bring special delight to our righteous customers:

Beginning today, given the absurd charges of pro-Putinism and anti-Semitism against Patriot Elon Musk, Maga Mega Marketplace will exclusively advertise on X.

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